Healing our Inner Child

The inner child is a concept that has been explored by psychologist, psychotherapists, spiritual and religious leaders throughout time. The word “Inner” refers to what exists in our internal awareness as opposed to what exists outside the body which others can see. Some refer it to our true self or the real self.

We are tripartite beings, for God has created us to be spirit, soul and body (1Thess.5:13), hence, what goes on in either the soul, the body or spirit will affect the other two parts. Physical tiredness affects our mental ability to concentrate. Thoughts of anger or depression can affect our appetite for food. The lack of spiritual tranquillity stirs unrest in our souls. Though the spirit realm is the predominant influence of all three, however, the influence of the soul and body must not be neglected.

Wholesome and emotionally healthy children will grow up into wholesome and emotionally healthy adults. The state of our childhood will therefore influence who we become as adults. If our childhood was traumatised and scarred, we will carry those trauma and wounds in our inner child all the way to adulthood. Unless and until we start understanding the cause and effect relationship between what happened to the child that we were (the “cause”), and the impact it had on the adult we are (the “effect”), we will remain victims of our wounded inner child. Many genuinely called and anointed men and women of God started well but yet did not end well or fulfil the fullness of their destiny for the very reason that they were being destroyed by the wounds of their inner child. Our identity can affect our destiny. We hope this article will provoke and awaken us to seek our healing and transformation.

God’s Original Intent

The love of God is perfect, unconditional and pure. God’s original intent was for our parents to demonstrate His love to us and through them that we learn about the Father heart of God, His love, his care, his tenderness, his provision, his compassion, grace, etc. And being nurtured under our parents’ love, we learn to trust relationships and heathy attachment and grow mature physically, emotionally and spiritually.

A healthy functional family is one which is based on God’s blueprint for marriage and family set out in the word. It is an interactive, supportive and loving atmosphere where each member can be real and accepted with unconditional love.

A strong family is committed to each family member, beginning with the spouse at marriage and extending to every single family member through all stages of family development. The best way for parent to love their children is to first love their spouse. A dysfunctional marriage breeds a dysfunctional family, and a dysfunctional family breeds a dysfunctional individual which ultimately breed a dysfunctional society. The late mother Theresa says it well “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family”.

A strong family spends time together. The reality of commitment is the intentional sharing of time with each other and together as a family. Quality without quantity is not sufficient.

A strong family has open and honest communication with all family members and speaks the truth in love. A strong family shows unconditional love. They may experience crises like any other family but yet have the ability to resolves the problems they encounter due to the strong bond of love. Conflicts are dissolved in a godly and healthy manner.

A strong family regularly affirms each other. They regularly express appreciation and affection to one another, giving sincere compliments, and building each other up emotionally.

Mankind’s love deficit

Sadly, however, on the day we are born into this world, we do not encounter God’s amazing, wonderful love, but instead we encounter the imperfect conditional love of humanity.

Imperfect human love or especially our parents’ wounding can leave very deep scars in our hearts, for their love is the first love we encounter at birth. This love shortfall or deficit is shown in the love plumb line diagram below. The love plumb line is a yardstick to show us how far we have fallen short of God’s love.

Love deficit (gap)

Rejection

Human love

God’s love

Our love deficit is shown as the gap between God’s love we yearn for, and human love we receive. This love deficit leads to rejection, its mirror image, which is shown as the gap between red and green lines. Rejection produces emotions such as pain, resentment, anger and bitterness. The greater our parents or guardians nurture us away from God’s divine love plumb line, the greater the deficit created in our soul. This in turn creates a greater rejection in our spirit which breeds darkness in our soul. We can internalize or externalize the love deficit we suffered. Unresolved conflicts in the soul of a child will leave wounds in his inner child which perpetuate all the way to adulthood, locking the adult into immature patterns of behaviour. Thus, many grow up biologically into adulthood but not emotionally.

Internalizing the love deficit - we internalize the abandonment & rejection we feel. Such responses result in insecurity and negative emotions like implosive anger, self-hatred (rejecting oneself after being rejected by others which often leads to self-destructive behaviour), eating disorder, mental disorder, depression, intellectual suicide (refusing to learn and grow) and eventually suicide. Love deficit is the cause of most neurotic and character disorder behaviour. A healthy human relationship starts from loving ourselves – “love your neighbour as yourself…” (Matt.22:38).

Externalizing the love deficit – we turn our rejection into explosive anger (Rage) which leads to social illnesses, rebellion against authority, sexual immorality (balancing the love debit through lust credit), addiction and compulsive behaviour like drugs, alcoholism, materialism, etc.

To put it simply, a love deficit creates darkness in our soul and gives the enemy ground to traffic easily in our life.

Fuminnori Nakamura, a Japanese author came to international attention in 2012 when his English book “The Thief,” was named among the “Best fiction of the year” by The Wall Street Journal. In March that year, the book was nominated for a Los Angeles Times Book Prize. A crime novelist, Fuminori Nakamura is a self-described pessimist and he thinks that everyone has a dark side trapped by circumstances, by society and its expectations.

His other books include ‘The gun”, “The child in the ground”, “Last winter”, “We parted” and “Evil and the mask”. In all these books, he wrote not just the crime, but also the driving forces behind the act – loneliness, despair, pressure and stress, tension and expectation from people”- all factors which force the inner child to surface. These are people who live a completely normal life, but who suddenly snap to become another person.

In Mark 7:21, we learn that every negative behaviour proceed from the unhealthy heart of man “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man”.

As layer upon layer of denial, emotional dishonesty, buried trauma, unfulfilled needs, etc., continue to build up, our hearts are broken, our spirits wounded and our minds becomes dysfunctionally programmed.  Unfortunately, our choices and behaviour as adults are made in reaction to our childhood wounds and programming, and thus our lives are being dictated by our wounded inner children, if not healed.

Love Deficit leads to Rejection & Identity Issues

Our core or earliest relationship with ourselves was formed when we were young. As a child, words of criticism and rejection from authority over us like parents, guardian, teachers, etc. often stick in our memory and shape our view of ourselves; and we subsequently spend a lifetime trying to validate our self-worth. Sadly, if we grow up in a dysfunctional family, the little child at the core of our being will believe that he/she is unworthy and unlovable. And that often is the foundation on which we build our concept or derived our identity.

As children, we tend to feel responsible for the things that happen to us and around us. We blame ourselves for the things that were done to us and for the deprivations we suffered. But as long as we keep judging and shaming ourselves, we are buying into the lies of the evil one and giving power to the enemy. We are feeding the monster that is devouring us. This is very prevalent in the home where parents are constantly quarrelling over us, and even if the disagreement has nothing to do with us, we feel responsible to bring our parents back together. And in the event of a divorce, we continue to feel responsible for the happiness of both parents.

We need to learn how to take responsibility without taking the blame. We need to be aware of our feelings without being a victim of them. We need to heal and nurture our inner child and not allow our wounds to control or dictate our lives.

Rejection causes strong emotional pain. Functional MRI studies revealed that the same areas of the brain are activated when we experience rejection and when we experience physical pain. In other words, rejections hurt because they literally mimic physical pain in our brain. Rejection is a form of psychological injury, one that can and should be treated.

Rejection destroys our self-esteem, damages our identity and sabotages our purpose in life. It causes emotional wounds, which often leads to withdrawal, apathy, rebellion, hostility, overachieving, compulsive/addictive behaviours or even gender confusion. This is the reason why it is one of the most common tools the devil will use to destroy a person's life. The goal of the enemy is first to get us built up with emotional baggage inside and then negative feelings in our hearts against one another, and eventually God. We tend to treat others the way we feel about ourselves.

Rejection creates a feeling of being excluded or unwanted and it makes us feel unworthy or like we never fit in or measure up. It leads to self-rejection and we become critical of ourselves and others. People with low self-esteem often try to bring other people down.  If we don’t love ourselves, we are not equipped to love others.  Thus, an attitude of anger permeates our lives and leads us to find fault with others.  An arrogant demeanor is really just a cover-up for feelings of inferiority.   Children growing up in homes where a violent father rules, have the tendency to display aggression and anger as they grow up too, even when the violent father is no longer in their lives. Such children use violence to mask their insecurity and fear.

Those of us who struggle with feelings of rejection are easily hurt and prone to misinterpreting comments as being unkind as we always don’t feel worthy and have difficulty accepting affection. Some of us become suspicious of anyone who tries to befriend us because we believe they must have an ulterior motive.  To avoid rejection, some of us become loners.  

If we had suffered rejection, we also tend to raise a wall emotionally so that we will not be hurt anymore. We will then unconsciously bury the need we felt for trust and intimacy and begin to isolate from our own feelings as well as the feelings of others. We will grow up not knowing how to meet the needs of others, especially the needs for closeness and intimacy because we are cut off from our own. And, sadly, many of us would never again reach out to anyone for emotional comfort, for the fear of being rejected and hurt.

We do not want to be too intimate and open with friends, and that is why so many friendships are superficial today. Many are also not truly emotionally intimate with our spouse because there is no complete trust and connection. We tend to get and demand from the relationship rather that give and sacrifice. Our healing can only be complete when we are connected back to, and experience the source of true love.

Rejection can also lead to grandiosity – extreme self-involvement and lack of interest and empathy for others, in spite of the pursuit of others to obtain admiration and approval. People with such personality are often driven to the acquisition of wealth, power and beauty and the need to have others admire their grandiosity. We replace the need for others with the desire for things and we begin to see others as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. In fact, the genesis of all addiction patterns can be traced back to this process, known as the “replacement defense”. Sadly, underneath this external façade there is an emptiness filled with envy and rage.

Rejection has a lot of fruit which can widely vary from one person to another. Some of the common symptoms of rejection include:

• Fabricated personalities or false self (being somebody we aren't, in order to be accepted)
• The tendency to reject others, so that we aren't the first one to be rejected
• The need to fit in or be accepted by others and be a part of everything
• Self-pity where we feel bad for ourselves being all alone
• Inability to be corrected or receive constructive criticism (we view that as rejection). Stubbornness can also be rooted in rejection as well for this same reason. Some develop into opinionated personalities and the need to be right about things all the time or else we feel worthless... that's because "who we are and our significance" (our identity) are based upon us being right.
• Feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, or hopelessness
• Seeking a parent's approval in unhealthy ways and basing our identity upon what they think of us
• Envy, jealousy, and even hate can be rooted in rejection

The root of rejection is actually incredibly simple: love deficit in our growing up years which result in misplaced identity. Due to rejection, many seek our identity in people, especially our parents and people in authority and some even in their life partners? Others may seek it in their work, ministry, achievements and possessions which unfortunately set us up for “Performance Orientation” bondages.

When we begin to serve God for the praise of man or base our identity in what we do, no matter how great the call of God is on our lives, no matter how powerful the gifts or the anointing in our ministry, that underlying attitude of unhealthy self-love which is different from loving our neighbours as loving ourselves can begin to produce a hidden resentment and anger fuelled by a fear of rejection and a fear of failure. We need to recognize that our ministry unto the Lord is temporal; however, our identity is eternal.

Whenever we feel the hurt and pain from rejection, it's because our identity depends upon what that others think of us. If our identity didn't depend on what others think of us, we would be virtually immune from the damage of rejection. The closer a person is to us; the deeper their rejection can wound us. Authority figures often also have the potential to deeply wound us, because we tend to look up to them and rely on them for our identity.

Whenever we base our identity on somebody or something other than what God's Word has to say about us, it will make us vulnerable to rejection. However, when we base our identity upon what the Word of God has to say about us, we will become virtually rejection-proof. We are not going to settle the rejection issues fully until we can get it down into our spirit that we are accepted, loved, and appreciated by God. Yes, we are greatly favoured and deeply loved by God our Father because we are in Jesus Christ. Tearing down the strongholds of rejection is as simple as merely receiving with childlike faith, what God's Word has to say about our identity, who we are as a new creature in Christ, and how we are called to life, purpose, and meaning in Christ. Rising above rejection is all about restoring a healthy identity which is tied to healing our love deficit.

The key to overcoming rejection is to solve our identity problems. We need to start seeing ourselves for who we are in Christ, and the person that God has really formed within us. Our identity must come from Him and what His Word says about us. Meditating on bible verses which speak of who we are in Christ are incredible tools to help renew your mind and tear down these strongholds.

In order to truly find one’s identity, we need to remember that “In the beginning God created…” (Gen.1:1). Thus, if we really desire to understand our identity we must first understand who God is. “For in Him we live, move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). Truly knowing God produces security, self-worth and significant.

Love Deficit leads to Co-dependence

Love deficit has created two evil – the suppression of our inner child and the birth of false self which infect us with a disease common known as co-dependence.

Co-dependency, originally termed “co-alcoholism” in the 1970 was coined when addiction specialists, who worked with alcoholics and their families, began to notice that each family member actually played a unique role in perpetuating the addiction process. The addict was dependent on alcohol and the family members were dependent on the alcoholic. They had a need to be needed by the addict.

However, by 1980s, the term become more inclusive and has been recognised as a separate disorder on its own. In its broadest sense it underlies all addictions, but yet is an addiction itself – addiction to people. To put in simply, it means that people reach out to people in an attempt to fill a deep void within and some experts prefer to use the term “unhealthy people dependency”.

The genesis of co-dependence begins with the repression of our own feelings; it is often the product of a dysfunctional family and love deficit. Co-dependence is a disease of lost selfhood. They are so focused and preoccupied on the needs of others that they neglect their true self to the point of having little self-identity or loss of identity and in a state of identity confusion and crisis.

Co-dependency victims can actually hinder the growth in others yet believing they are unselfishly helping them. They may well be interfering with the basic law of life – the law of cause and effect. By intervening and rescuing, co-dependency takes responsibility from others unto themselves, harming others and themselves. Co-dependence is one of the most common conditions causing confusion and suffering in the world. It may be subtle in its manifestations and therefore difficult to identify.

Co-dependency can be further entrenched in low self-worth. People with poor self-worth don’t believe anyone would want them for who they are or for the value of the relationship. They feel safe in relationship only when they are needed, so they always look for people who need them. As a result, they find themselves drawn to needy people who usually cannot build healthy relationships; and so they are trapped in cycles of rejection and co-dependency again and again.

This is especially true in a marriage relationship. We need to understand that it is not need but desire that makes a relationship strong. To build a healthy marriage relationship, we make ourselves desirable to our spouse and not make them need us which is a very common mistake made by co-dependence victim in marriages. In their insecurity, their behaviour pushes their spouse away instead of pulling them into intimacy. A healthy marriage relationship should be interdependence, which is mutually reliance and dependence on each rather than co-dependence.

Let’s look at some characteristics of co-dependency:

• Obsessive and compulsive dependency on another person
• Control and manipulation of the person they are dependent on
• A disrespectful love/hate relationship with that person
• Obscure and blurred boundaries (physical & emotional)
• Worry and frustration over things that cannot be changed
• Thinking that happiness depends upon others
• Excessive responsibility taken for others
• Neglect of health and wellbeing
• Low self-esteem
• High sensitivity to emotional hurt
• Extreme mood swing
• Constantly looking for something missing in life

When we live in shame-based and co-dependent stance, focusing inordinately on others, we will always feel something is missing, somehow incomplete. We are unhappy, tense, empty, distressed, feel bad and/or numb.

Co-dependence people thrive on personal attention. They are perpetually very needy, some always seeking out for help & others help others out of their need to be needed. They can never satisfy. It clings like a leech, absorbing everything but never filling. They can attend teaching seminar after seminar and they do not bring about any significant change.

If we continue to value intimacy and love from people more than what God can do for us, we will continue to have a void in our hearts. We need to ultimately comes to term that only God can fill these deep human spiritual needs of security, self-worth and significant, which he demands in every person. Only He alone can fill, satisfy and give us fullness of joy “He satisfied the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness” (Ps.107:9).

Symptoms of False self

Most families across the world are dysfunctional in that they don’t provide and support the healthy needs of their children. Since there are no perfect parents, we all have the disadvantage of inadequate modelling from the past. Hence, it means that everyone has suffered abuse or love deficit to some degree.

What result is an interruption of the healthy growth and development of children. When there is neglect, hurt, pain, rejection, abuse, trauma, etc. in our growing up years, and being a child, we cannot express ourselves, our inner child or true self goes into hiding within the unconscious part of our brain; we learn to suppress all our feelings and emotions. This block the growth of our true self, and thus a false-self emerge as an unconscious defence mechanism to run the show of our life in order to survive. We use our false-self to mask the inner pain, hurt, insecurity, inferiority, resentment, anger, etc. This is a simply the most natural defence mechanism against pain and hurt in our soul. To be real seems threatening and scary as we will be rejected and shamed.

As we continue to stifle and neglect our own feelings, we become increasingly tolerant of emotional pain and soon can become numb emotionally. And because we stifle our feelings, we are unable to fully grieve our everyday losses. When we cannot express ourselves and grieve completely, we become emotionally ill as our real-self has an innate desire and energy to express itself or to release the tension build up. Secretly, we want to feel alive. The only way out is through negative compulsive behaviour. Such compulsive actions range across a wide spectrum, ranging from trying to control another person to overeating, over sexing, overworking, overspending or even over attending self-help meetings. We tend to use pain to medicate pain or pleasure to medicate our pain away. Unable to cope with emotional pain, many have taken to inflicting physical pain on themselves to relieve the emotional pain.

This helps to give temporary relief from tension, suffering and numbness, even though we might feel some shame about it. This is often called repetition compulsion; it comes from unsolved internal conflict in our subconscious mind. Hence, co-dependent illness is a breeding ground for all kinds of addictions. Sadly, it doesn’t go away, after applying false medications to relieve the pain, shame and guilt often torment us which cause us to repeat the evil vicious cycle.

Today’s society is highly dysfunctional due to dysfunctional families. It produces addicts and then condemns them for being sick. This unfortunately is the sad scenario and the plague of our time. In our frantic pursuit of happiness, we seek instant relief to numb the pain and rejection and trauma. Instead of helping, this behaviour is worsening the situation.

An addiction cycle generally starts with a deficit of love with the addictive agent serving as the anaesthetic. The anaesthetic however wears off and the consequences often are disruption of relationships, guilt and further shame. This in turn produces more pain, which is followed again by the numbing effect of the addictive agent. The cycle continues with increasing momentum until the low self-esteem becomes self-hatred.

We may then feel out of control and thus have the need to control even more, which ends up projecting our hurt to others. Underlying religious legalism and rigidity there is often a serious addiction problem.

Let’s understand the Degenerative stages of co-dependence:

1. Stifle our own inner Child due to love deficit and rejection
2. Neglecting our own needs
3. Increase tolerance or numbness to emotional pain
4. Inability to grieve losses to completion
5. Blocking growth (mental-emotional-spiritual)
6. Addiction or compulsive behavior to medicate pain
7. Progressive shame and loss of self–esteem
8. Feeling out of control, need to control more
9. Projection of pain to others by trying to control them
10. Stress-related illness develops
11. Progressive deterioration: extreme mood swings, difficulty with intimate relationships, chronic unhappiness.

Dysfunctional Family

As early as the first year of life, a child has the ability to express emotion and it is during this critical time in our development that we learn how to relate to ourselves and others. If we are not nurtured healthily and do not form healthy attachment with our parents, we become ill emotionally. We tend to fight, flight or freeze in our emotion and it causes us difficulty to form attachment to our friends later in lives and especially our future spouse and ultimately God. The foundation of all relationship is trust which we lack if we are growing up in a dysfunctional family.

If we lost the authentic self of Childlikeness, which generally loves to communicate, play and have fun, we will also lose the compassionate and gracious heart towards others as we tend to treat people how we feel about ourselves. Due to the pain and anger in our emotion, we tend to be critical, judgemental, get angry easily, withholding and fearful, plans and plods, pretends always to be strong, controlling, self-righteous, and very plastic and not genuine in our personality.

Thus, dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional individuals which in return produce dysfunctional families. Dysfunctional society encourages dependency but is often views as normal. For example, workaholic is the most common form of addiction. A workaholic and an alcoholic have the same root problem. Ministry is also another common addiction. Some people are so addicted to ministry activities that their spouse and children suffer. In fact, ministry addiction is the main reason why many leaders suffer burn out. It is an unbalanced commitment for the wrong reasons.

The main cause of co-dependence is dysfunctional families; and it will worsen if there is childhood abuse that adds shame to it. The emotional deprivation from the dysfunctional family produces a love deficit and a love hunger deep within the person. However, the exact nature of the “trouble” in family cannot be easily recognised, labelled or identify. Nevertheless, let’s look at some of the characteristics of dysfunctional families:

Rigid

Arbitrary & chaotic - a family where rules are set up for no rhyme or reason. The parents manage the family in a dictatorship style and the child has no right to be heard and loses trust in the rule setters and in their own self. They are unable to understand the environment. They live in chronic fear, as though “walking on eggshells”.

The children are not allowed to express their feeling, especially painful or negative feeling such as anger. This may develop into anti-social behaviour, and various forms of acute and chronic illness, including stress related illness. What the child sees as reality is denied and a false belief system of reality is assumed. This denial and new belief system stifled and retard the child’s development and growth.

Childhood Abuse

Child abuse is common in dysfunctional families. Childhood abuse is defined as anything less than nurturing. Nurturing is caring, nourishing and helping children develop their own unique individuality. Anything less than nurturing is abuse and it creates adults with dependency problems. While severe physical abuse or sexual abuses are clearly recognizable as traumatic to children, other forms of subtle child abuse may be more difficult to recognize. These may include mild to moderate physical abuse, covert or less obvious sexual abuse, like touching children and adolescents in inappropriate parts of their anatomy, and any unnecessary sexually stimulating behaviour. These forms of abuse usually result in deep-seated feeling of shame and guilt that are unconsciously carried into adulthood.

Shame

Growing up in a troubled or dysfunctional family cause shame and low self-esteem, however, the manifestations of shame vary from individual to individuals. Nevertheless, it plays a major role in stifling our child within. It involves the rejection of self-as fundamentally bad, unworthy, inadequate, defective, and insufficient as a person. It is a deep sense that there is something uniquely wrong with oneself. It is a deep feeling of wrongness of being, a deep feeling of contamination, uncleanness, and of being uniquely flawed.

People often confuse shame and guilt. While we feel both, there is a difference between them. Guilt is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that results from doing something that violates or breaks a personal standard or value or causing hurt to others. Guilt thus, concerns our behaviour, feeling bad about what we have done, or about what we didn’t do that we were supposed to have done.

However, shame makes us see ourselves as a mistake rather than making a mistake. If we make a mistake, we can repent and not repeat the same mistake again, but if we feel that we are a mistake, there is no hope. In contrast to guilt where we feel bad from doing something wrong or bad, guilt seems to be correctable or forgivable, whereas there seems to be no way out of shame. Shame makes us feels hopeless, we feel isolated and lonely as though we are the only one who has the painful feeling. It creates self-rejection and self-hatred. When shame becomes internalised, the self is abandoned and identity is lost. Thus, false self takes over to run the show.

Shame results in elaborate “appearance management” – it creates a false self. When our child within feels the shame and cannot express it in a healthy way to safe and supportive people, our false self emerges and pretends not to have the shame, and would never tell anyone about it. Shame masks us. We are afraid that if we tell others about our shame, they will think we are bad and look down on us. We don’t like that and thus often block it out or pretend that it is not there.

Shame often breeds hatred and unforgiveness towards ourselves and often results in various addictions and compulsion as the inner man desperately searches for something to alleviate the pain. In 2Cor.4:7, Paul says that “we have this treasure in earthen vessels”, – shame causes us to focus on self (the earthen vessels) rather than the treasure which the glory contains. We must always be mindful that God loves us as much as in our day of disgrace as he did in our day of grace.

Shame primarily comes through flawed identity imposed upon us by important people in our life, especially parents, an influencing adult or figure of authority. Their negative messages, negative affirmations, and beliefs and rules that we hear as we grow up like “shame on you!”, “you’re not good enough”, “I wish I never had you”, “you are stupid, useless, not fit to be in the family” etc. We hear them so often and especially from whom we are so dependent on and to whom we are so vulnerable, that we believe them. Thus, we incorporate or internalize them into our very being. Hence, shame is also a result of rejection, scorn, ridicule and unjust punishment.

To make it worst, the wound is compounded by negative rules that stifle and prohibit the otherwise healthy, healing and needed expression of our pain. Some family has unwritten “rules” which unconsciously mould the child’s identity at a very early age. These are often used to cover the shame of the parents and to make sure that their inadequacies are not exposed.

Some of these rules are:

• Always be in control of all behavior, feelings and circumstance. It is wrong to feel sad, lonely, fearful, angry or whatever. So, don’t cry, don’t get upset, be nice, don’t ask questions. Never have the right to show our own feeling even at home.
• Must always be right, cannot make mistake, everything must be the best. There is no room for learning process.
• Always be self-sufficient, don’t bother anyone with a need.
• Always hide and maintain secrecy regarding anything wrong, especially things in regard to family.
• Never acknowledge a mistake or make yourself vulnerable to anyone. Don’t trust anyone. So we learn that we are not to supposedly openly talk about it. And this is often transmitted from one generation to the next.

When everyone in a dysfunctional family lives together and operates primarily from their false self, it may be described as being shame based family. We all have shame. Shame is universal to being human. If we do not work through it and then let go of it, shame tends to accumulate and burden us more and more, until we become its victim.

Shame will cause us to surround ourselves with a wall of fear, as we do not want to be shamed further. Fear is a very powerful motivating factor; it motivates us to protect ourselves at all costs.

Insecurity

Insecurity is a direct result of love deficit and the message of rejection we receive in childhood. In contrast, security is directly related to love. Children raised in environments lacking in love often experience deep-seated sense of insecurity. In fact, researchers have found out that possessiveness is due to reunion attempts & insecurity. Those of us who suffered deep rejection will try to live out our past experience (reunion attempts) in future adult relationships. The fear of losing is very real. However, possessiveness always kills relationships as it tends to suffocate the other party. Some of us bring our competitiveness and aggression into the workforce as we seek success in our careers to counter our insecurity.

Perfectionism

One of most common fruits of dysfunctional families is perfectionism. It is a belief that ‘I must do well at all times’. The difference between perfectionism and the commitment to excellence needs to be understood.

Perfectionism is destructive; while excellence is a worthy thing to seek. The perfectionist among us sets impossible standards and when we cannot reach them, we are filled with guilt and frustration. The perfectionist cannot take defeat. Commitment to excellence, on other hand, sets high but reachable standards, while leaning on the grace of God to reach our full potential what God has created us to be, and we learn from failure.

The only remedy for perfectionism is to understand Grace. Dealing with human weakness and brokenness, grace is the divine acceptance of people where they are. Many know grace cognitively, but do not live in it themselves or in their relationship with others. Grace unlocks people from the prison of self-doubt, inadequacy, shame and bondage, and frees people to live more realistically and authentically.

Depression

Depression can be a very complex mixture of physical and mental factors. However, in its simplest form, depression is a mood message, indicating something needs to be rectified in our lives. Just like fever is a body message and a symptom that something is wrong with our bodies, so depression is a symptom of something dying or missing within. Medicine may help to heal our surface moods by balancing the biochemical in our brain but it cannot touch the spirit. We need to deal and confront our emotions to receive healing.

Bondages

There are many sincere God fearing and God loving believers who are yet still drawn towards sin or sinful habits, in bondage and addictive behaviour with no victory. Many ascribe the problem to spiritual immaturity – that as we grow in Christ, all the problems will be solved.

However, the true fact is that many of us mature Christians live in bondages and many continuously fall into sin. In fact, there are many pastors, missionary or church leaders who struggle continually in bondage to habits and attitudes that they tried to overcome: hatred, frequent anger, lust, masturbation, pornography, drinking, eating, spending, gambling, addiction to drugs, etc.

In Rom.7:15, Paul describes his own disillusion “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” Like Paul, most of us indulge in bad habits not because we desire to do them, but because of a compulsion to do so, we are compelled by something deep within us. Then, unable to fight the compulsion, we succumb to the habit. There is an unconscious compulsion that motivates us to do the things we don’t want to do.

In Heb.4:10, we are exalted to “be diligent to enter that rest”. Love deficit leads to a lack of peace/rest in our soul. When there is lack of peace and a lack of rest in our soul, our flesh is compelled to do something to attempt to bring peace and comfort to our soul.

2Cor.5:17 say that we are a “new creation” when we accepted Christ as our saviour and enter the kingdom of God. The question is what has become new - our spirit, our soul, or our body?

The fact is that we still have an old body and old soul. Certain areas of your soul might be instantly renewed (some old habits or broken) but generally, we didn’t get an entirely new soul. Only our spirit is new. Our unhealthy soul has great power to drag our spirit to sin in the flesh.

Healing Process

There is hope. Recovery from rejection in our inner child, co-dependency or any kind of compulsive behaviour and addiction is possible if we submit to God’s wonderful redemption process and supernatural healing. Adversity is often a catalyst for people to surrender themselves to God for healing and restoration. Recovery is a process, to simply put it, is called progressive sanctification and is a life-long process. It is learning to surrender to God daily.

Some people believe that we have not chosen our addictions; they are all the result of childhood abuse! To simply believe this eliminates personal responsibility and prevents the healing process. Taking personal responsibility for healing and for the wrong choices we make is the beginning of recovery. Denial and nurturing out pain is a victim mentality, it is self- pity and self-defeating and delays recovery.

People make their own choices. Ultimately, nobody can blame any other person for their choices. The bible tells us that “all people will die for their own sins” (Jer.31:30).

Some feel that Christians should not talk about their hurts or express negative emotions as these are weaknesses - this is a great deception of the devil as it causes people to live out a fabricated personality. A hurting heart is like a huge hole in our hearts. If we believe that this void will never be filled and fully accepted that as ok, we will stop trying to fill the void with meaningful relationships and began to build our life around the void instead. So in other words, the rejection and the void become incorporated into us, we are cautious of it and at the same time cautious not trying to fix it. We learn to live with it and not recognizing that we are actually being victimized by it. Denial or suppression of inner hurt internalizes unhealthy emotional energy which can lead to depression or some mental disorder.

As much as we believe God for salvation, physical healing, provision, etc. we must exercise faith to receive his emotional healing.

“Your affliction is incurable, your wound is severe…you have no healing medicines” (Jer.30:12-13)

In this passage, the Lord is speaking of man’s inability to cope with the problem in his own strength; his burdens are too heavy, and many carry the shame, guilt and bitterness of our wounds without any medicines. However, in verse 17, He promises healing “For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the Lord.”

In Jn.10:10, Jesus says “The thief does not come except to steal and to kill, and to destroy” but He “has come that we may have life, and that we may have it more abundantly”. Many interpret this verse as a contrast between the work of Satan and Jesus. Though that is true, but what Jesus is also saying is that despite the devil successfully stealing, killing and destroying us, He can still redeem, restore, heal and give us abundant life. So this verse is not just a contrast but most importantly the “despite”.

In Luke 4:18, Jesus says that the “Spirit of the Lord” was upon Him and “anointed” Him to “preach the gospel to the poor…and heal the broken-hearted”. Yes, Jesus was sent to save, and heal our spirit, soul and body. He came not just to die for us but also to bring healing to our inner child, heal those suffering from rejection and co-dependence and restore the real self to those living in the false self.

If Jesus came just for the purpose of our salvation, all He needed to do was to die as a sinless man to take away our sin. We are saved by His righteousness and His sacrificial blood “For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so also by one Man’s obedience many will be made righteous” (Rom.5:19)

His betrayal, death on the cross, the thorns on His head, his nakedness, etc. all have additional significant meanings to our overall salvation. However, it is not our premise here to address all these in details. Our focus is on how God brings healing to our inner child and what our responsibility in the process is.

Like sanctification, healing our inner child, healing from rejection and co-dependence are both an event and also a process.

1. Awakening - Identifying our Hurts and pain

“You who seek the Lord: Look to the rock from which you were hewn and to the hole of the pit from which you were dug…” (Isa.51:1)

Underlying issues must be examined and be fully resolved for the recovery to occur. We need to identify where is the root of the problem, commonly known as family of origin. This is necessary as it helps us to understand why we behave the way we do, so that we can prevent negative history perpetuating itself and become victims of an unhealthy virtuous circle.

Because our true self is so hidden, and because our false self is so prominent, awakening may not come easy. At this time, we often begin to experience confusion, fear, sadness, anger, etc. and these mean that we are beginning to feel again. We begin to get in touch with who we really are – our child within, our real self. Some may choose to retreat back to their “comfortable” false self because these feelings are frightening.

However, becoming aware of our feelings and constructively dealing with them is crucial in the process of healing our inner child. However, one should also be cautious not to be too introspective, always digging for the root cause but not constructively seeking for healing. This can be an addiction in itself as it gives us the attention we desire and makes us feel ‘wanted’ by people.

Our feeling is the way we perceive ourselves. Without awareness of our feelings, we have no real awareness of life. We have two kinds of feelings or emotions – joyful and painful. Joyful feelings make us feel a sense of strength, wellbeing and completion. Painful feelings sap our energy and can leave us feeling drained and empty. However, even though painful, they are indicators that some things need our attention.

1. Be Vulnerable - Sharing our Story

“Confess your trespasses to one another…that you may be healed” (James 5:16)

The three main leading characteristics of dysfunctional families are “don’t talk”, “don’t feel”, and “don’t trust”. However, in recovery, it is important to learn to talk honestly and openly, to express feelings and to trust.

People who grew up in troubled or dysfunctional families tend not to get our needs met and that often make us feel hurt, pain, frustrated and confused. An effective way to facilitate knowing and experiencing our feelings is to talk about them with safe and supportive people. It is always helpful to talk, even if at first we stutter or ramble. One of the reasons people don’t have enough support in their healing process is that they don’t open up their lives. Take the risk and express exactly how we feel, even if it is anger, shame, guilt or whatever, no matter how unimportant it might seem to us.

When this is done it has powerful healing dynamics. Telling our story is a powerful act in discovering and healing our child within. It is a foundation of discovery progress. In “baring our souls’ or ‘having a heart to heart talk’, it helps to reveal ourselves and we become aware that we have actually experienced trauma, abuse, loss, suffering and hurt. Only then can we make a commitment in facing our emotional pain and grief. We cannot heal our shame alone. We need others to help us journey the healing process.

Our story can tell us a lot about ourselves. In telling our story, we begin to see the connection between what we are doing and what happened to us when we were little thus is a powerful act in discovery and healing our inner child. This simple act causes our brain to perform several tasks at once, including the merging of feelings, behaviour, conscious awareness and sensation. During this process, we realize and reframe life events, behaviours and emotions into a more insightful and healthier whole. The more integrated our brain is, the healthier it will be.

An important part of successful recovery is learning to accurately name what happened to us and the components of our feelings and learning to tolerate emotional pain without trying to medicate it away. As we grieve our buried pain and work through our core recovery issues, with patience we will slowly release our past unresolved internal conflicts. We gradually discover that our future is a destination not yet determined. Our life is in the present, which is where we can eventually find peace.

Thus, it is important to recognise that healing doesn’t come from retrospective perspective, it must be prospective. It is too easy to be heavily preoccupied with our past issue, and keep nursing it without coming to a point of closure. We may build up resentment which eventually leads to stress-related illnesses, and we become a victim of the cycle.

One of the most profound principles of healing is learning to live ‘one day at a time’. Although healing takes a long time, having this outlook can help shift our perspective immediately, making the journey not only tolerable, but meaningful, and anchoring at the present moment.

It is also very critical to recognise that ultimately healing is the work & function of the Holy Spirit, so it’s important to be led by the spirit and not just flow with the technique. If we do not have safe people we can talk to, we can write down our feelings and stories. As we read what we have written over time, we will also discover how we feel and learn to face our pain and grief. Sometimes we just have to confess to God and sometimes to man.

1. Desiring

The first step to healing is a true desire to be whole. Unfortunately and sadly, though many people seek counselling for their emotional hurt yet secretly prefer to be nourished and fed through their wounds and deep down inside do not want to be healed. They cannot bear losing the attention or “pet weapon” for fear of being ignored. These people go from counsellor to counsellor, going through the same issue again and again but not willing to be healed.

One of the most common reactions people have towards emotional hurt especially rejection is to list all their faults, lament all their shortcomings, and chastise themselves endlessly. We then convince ourselves we somehow deserve it. We do this in the hope that someone will tell us we are not so bad, that our shortcomings are common to everyone, and that we are accepted. Yet, by kicking our self-esteem when it’s already down, we are only making our psychological injury worse, deepening our emotional wounds, and significantly delaying our recovery. We need to stop throwing self-pity parties and determine the roads to restoration.

Begin to connect to those who appreciate and love you. We all have the need “to belong”. One way to settle and heal our emotional hurt is to reach out to our core group—be they friends, colleagues, or family members—to get emotional support from them. We need to humble ourselves to allow others to contribute to our healing process.

1. Forgiving

Forgiving those who hurt us, wounded us is absolutely necessary in the process of our healing. However, we need to receive forgiveness from God fully in order to forgive others. Receiving God’s forgiveness removes guilt and forgiving those who have hurt me removes resentment. God’s will is for us to be completely free from guilt and condemnation.

The word forgive in the Greek simply means “release”. It is setting a person free as a judicial act. Hence, forgiveness in its simplest form is releasing another from personal judgement.

“Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain King who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.” Matt.18:23-25

In this passage, it is possible that the servant never truly received his master’s unconditional forgiveness in his spirit. He only received what he asks for – an extension of time to pay back the debts. Because he hadn’t received forgiveness in his heart, he also could not give it. The unforgiven will be unforgiving and the unaccepted tends to be unaccepting. Locked in hurt, we hurt others; feeling rejected, we reject others.

Many have not truly experienced the unconditional love of God the Father, we only accepted and received it cognitively and for that reason we tend to struggle to release forgiveness to others, which we need to do before we can receive the healing we needed.

We have difficulty receiving forgiveness from God because as humans we find it difficult to forgive easily. Those from very dysfunctional families, in whom the development of basic trust has been damaged, will especially have difficulty in believing and receiving God’s full and free forgiveness.

Resentment is not only unhealthy but is also self-destructive. Resentment and anger is a leading feature of all addictions, it opens the door wide to all kinds of serious ongoing problems. A root of resentment can arise up from an early age, usually against parents, and continue with its devastating effects right through life.

Very few things are spoken about so strongly in the word of God as the subject of forgiving others. Healing is blocked if resentment and bitterness are there.

1. Boundaries

When we talk about boundaries, we think of limits. Boundaries give us a sense of what is part of us and what is not part of us, what we will allow and what we won’t, what we will choose to do and what we will choose not to do. This leads to responsibility and love. The opposite is enmeshment, fusion or people dependency.

Co-dependence victims are dependent on others for their self-esteem and sense of who they are. They lost the inability to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ at the right time which leads to the loss of control of life and also loss of assertiveness and honesty with their own feelings. They simply become like a doormat and allow others to take advantage of them and ride all over their feelings. They don’t seem to have any needs, desires, or wants; and give into all the needs, desires and wants of others.

Learning assertiveness is an important part of recovery as is bound up with identity and esteem issues. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness and disrespect. In fact, those who are assertive attract the regard and respect of others. It is also not contrary to the Christian virtue of laying down our rights but one of honesty. It is speaking the truth in love, it is saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when necessary and is an important part of recovery, not only for co-dependence, but also in many other situations.

1. Letting Go

Psalm 46:10 – “Be still and know that I am God”

Co-dependence victims tend to take people’s problem unto their own shoulders and try to solve them for them. This only encourages further dependency and hinders the other person working through their own problems. It is necessary to let go over-responsibility, control and manipulation of others, and hand them over to God’s care. We really can’t change anybody!

Those suffering from co-dependency are constantly seeking to change others, especially those close to them. The truth is that no one can change anyone else. It is hard enough to change oneself, let alone change others.

Grieving is good and necessary, for it is a healthy release of our emotion. However, unhealthy sustained grief, the failure to release from one’s spirit the loss of someone or something – the loss of a dream or perhaps a failed expectation can cast a shadow over our entire personality and even affect our countenance.

In this imperfect world, we must learn to accept our losses. Those who fail to do so become permanently disabled in their heart. That is when the heart cannot accept the loss of love and drowns itself in extreme behaviour of the pendulum in rejecting all love for people and things or in settling for the shallow love of things or people.

Jesus said “Offences must come” (Mt. 18:7). How we regard or react to the offences determine whether we become a better or bitter person at the end of it. Unfortunately for some of us, when Satan strikes, we worsen the impact by pressurizing the wound – we aggravate and trouble it further by driving that spear or arrow deeper into ourselves. How do we do that to an emotional wound? By paying more attention to our hurts than what’s necessary. Inadvertently, the more we look on our hurts, the more pitiable we see ourselves to be. Soon, we come to believe ourselves as being the victims of the world - totally abused and beaten. It then becomes no longer possible, for a sick man who is caught up in combating his own illness, to minister help to another suffering soul.

The problems themselves often do not hurt us nearly as much as the increasing stress, worry and anxiety that arise in those circumstances. Yet, in the midst of all these trials and trauma, God flashes a brilliant promise for us to look to: “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me…to give them beauty for ashes” (Isa.61:1-3). Indeed, we, as heirs of the promises of God are guaranteed of God’s intervention in our lives to turn every situation of ash into a masterpiece of beauty. This is the truth, but how we often forget! The Greek word for truth is “aletheia” which literally means, “not forgetting”. To know the truth means to remember it. Remembering the truth will make us free. We must know and hold fast the promises of God so that we can go through this life victoriously. In darkness there are treasures, and these treasures are only found in darkness. So, instead of being bitter over the experience, gather as many “treasure of darkness and hidden riches” (Isa.45.3) as possible so that we do not suffer defeat meant only for people who do not know God and therefore have no access to claiming His promises for themselves. Remember, God will work out “everything beautiful in its time” (Eccl.3:11).

1. Blessing Others

“…to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily.” Isa.58:8

There is so much grief and hurt in our world of fallen humanity, a fallen world over which deep darkness and obscurity rule cold and severe. This darkness is a thriving place for all forms of ills and disorders – arrogance, self-centredness, unfaithfulness, jealousy, brutality etc.; they shatter and cause tears and jerks to relationships, leaving behind pains and hurts to haunt the human heart. Pain and suffering surround us every day, in every conceivable way. We know the pain we bear and the hurt we feel, but how about the pain in the people around us?

Sometimes, healing comes when we minister to others. Jesus experienced one of life’s most painful betrayals when He was rejected by the very same people He created! In His love, He healed many and delivered thousands, yet, He was waged with the most cruel and humiliating death. Yet, even by that death, our Lord used such injustice and turned it into an instrument of redemption and deliverance for the world. For it is by Christ’s work on the cross that you and I stand redeemed today.

It is by the stripes suffered by the Lord that we are healed. In the very place where He was wounded, He received the authority to heal. The same principle works for us. Many of those with the greatest healing ministries have endured painful physical maladies themselves. Many who had compassion to minister to drug addicts; child’s abuse victims and homosexuals tend to be victims once themselves. After the blood and tears flow, healing follows. What they do is that they turn their hurt into healing and allow healing to flow from their “wounds” instead.

If one has never undergone a crisis, the basic inclination is intolerance towards those who fumble in managing the calamities of life. But if we have been slighted before in certain areas of our lives, we remain sensitive in those areas even after we are healed of the pain. This sensitivity becomes something God can use to help us identify with the same sentiments in another person. It infuses compassion in ministry and enables one to carry out a more effective ministry when dealing with hurting people.

We know that God minister through us in the power of His Spirit, however, God many a times cause His Spirit to work through our emotion and mind. Didn’t the Bible say that “the Father of mercies and God of all comfort comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor.1:3-4).

This is God’s turning the tables back on evil. When we refuse to succumb in depression to evil committed against us, but instead find a chance to use it for the benefit of others, it delivers us from the evil visited upon us. As God’s image-bearers in the world, it is not uncommon for us to suffer trials and hurts, but instead of being torn down by them, we can take them as opportunities and fully exploit them to demonstrate and manifest God’s love for mankind. Sufferings and trials are surely not pleasant, but they are aides in revealing and delivering us from evil tendencies. They also provide some of the greatest opportunities to minister God’s love.

Dearly beloved of God, learn from our Lord Jesus. Turn every wound we suffer into healing gauze. Let the blood that bleeds from our hearts and the tears that flow from our depths be turned into healing oil and a fountain of life for others.

Back to the Father

Early one morning, I was awoken from my sleep by a repeating phrase on my mind “You are created by love, through love and for love”. I was quite certain that this phrase is not in the scripture and yet somehow had this witness in my spirit that the spirit of God was trying to communicate something to me. As I searched through the Scripture, the spirit of God began to enlighten my understanding from this verse, “For by Him, all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth…all things were created through Him and for Him” (Col.1:16)

In this verse, “Him” refers to Christ and Christ is Love as God is Love (1 Jn. 4:8), thus we are created by love, through love and for love. Humans are made to exist in an environment of love – both receiving love and giving love. We are created to be fulfilled by love and only the creator of love can fill up and restore the love deficit we experienced in our growing up years to a love credit. Hence, one of the most important elements to healing & restoring our inner child is coming back to Father, the creator of love, to re-parent us and to restore our love credit, to restore our true identity and lead us to the road of healing and transformation.

It is no secret that human being needs affection to thrive. If we do not receive love and learn to give it away, we may suffer emotionally and relationally and never reach our God-given potential. God, Himself, said in Genesis 2:18 “It is not good that man should be alone.” Adam lived in a sin-free world and had unbroken fellowship with the Lord and yet God said “It is not good”. What was Adam lacking? Human intimacy! Something in us is incomplete when we lack intimacy with others.

There are generally four kinds of love in human relationship:

Family love - affectionate love between family members, especially parents and child or among siblings

Friendship love – affectionate love between friends as we can see in Jonathan & David (1Sam.18:1; 2Sam.1:26)

Physical or Sexual love - affectionate love between a man and a woman in marriage

Agape love - God's kind of love

Our perception and comprehension of God’s agape love is very much affected by our family love. The vast majority of the human family have had deeply negative experiences with their earthly fathers. Thus, many of us have a distorted perception of how God’s fatherly heart is towards us. Because we live in a world where the image of the father brings disappointment, fear, shame and other negative emotions, most of us have not experienced the tender touch of a loving father. The Devil seeks to use the pain of unfulfilled longing to confuse and deceive us so we seek to answer this longing in wrong ways.

Research has found that 90% of how we response or react to lives situation and how we perceive, how we process pain and analyse a situation is very much influence by our subconscious mind. Hence, our own experience with human authority is usually transferred over to how we relate to God. The same fear of opening our heart to receive love from others will also repel God’s love. Many consciously pursue God’s love but subconsciously reject His love.

If Father God is seen as harsh, judgmental, and distant and out to punish us when we fail, it will cause us to run away from Him in fear and rebellion, or merely conform to a system of rules. It will also cause us to become harsh on ourselves. On the other hand, if God is seen as one who accepts and loves unconditionally, loves to comfort, minister and heal, it will cause us to want to draw closer to Him and seek to please Him.

Due to the love deficit in our own soul, many find it difficult to receive and give love, but instead live for self- love, that is seeking to get their unhealed needs met. We are basically afraid of intimacy. Either because of a deficiency of expressed parental love or because we had experienced some traumatic form of rejection in the past, we set up boundaries to keep people out so that we can protect ourselves from the pain of more rejection. This may hinder us from having an intimate fellowship with God and healthy relationship with others. At the core of this is fear.

God wants us to hear His affirming voice and be secure in His love. If only we have entered that rest of trusting that He loves us and will take care of us “casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1Pet.5:7), we will not be seeking the affirmation of others. This is a very vital and significant factor for healing our inner child and releasing us from our co-dependence trait of seeking approval from people.

If we are uncomfortable with ourselves, we will be uncomfortable with others. Our self-image will determine the depth of our intimacy with others and with God. Our self-image which comes from our identity should not be derived from our achievement or status in the society nor the approval of people but on being “in Christ”. The scripture says it aptly, “when people commend themselves (or commend by others) it doesn’t count for much. The important thing is for the Lord to commend them” (2Cor.10:18) NLT

Our adversary Satan often works through others, especially through our parents or authorities over us, to ingrain into us that we are loved only if we perform well enough to earn God’s love. This is a great lie of the evil one. Our heavenly Father loves us for who we are and not based on our performances in our studies, family, career or ministry. God loves us as a human being, not on our doing.

God’s love for us depends on who He is and not what we are. No matter whom we are or who we were, no matter what we have done, no matter what the circumstances, God’s love for us never wavers or weaken but continually beat in His heart at a steady pace. Indeed Paul says that he is “persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”(Rom. 8:38-39). Are we fully persuaded? Are we fully convicted? Are we fully established and grounded in the eternal immutable, unchangeable fact and truth that GOD LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY?

As long as there is one iota or one micron of a doubt still in our beings that God does not love us, the enemy will turn it against us and it will hinder us from experiencing all that God wants for us. We need to be utterly grounded and rooted in the eternal understanding that God loves us (Ephesians 3:17-19).

Father Heart of God and Jesus

It has been ingrained in the mind-set of many Christians that we sinners are protected from the wrath of the Father God only because of the righteousness of Jesus. This gives us the impression and belief in the sub-consciousness of our mind that Jesus is compassionate and merciful, but the stern Father is perpetually angry with us. While this truth can foster a deep and grateful relationship with Jesus, subconsciously, it can hinder our intimacy with our Father God if we do not have a good understanding of the character and nature of God the Father.

God loves us AS much as He loves Jesus and revealed His love for us through Jesus. The whole story of redemption was not just that we might have our sins forgiven and be made whole again – rather the whole story of redemption was that through Christ Jesus, God would succeed in showing us how much and how greatly He loves us; that He loves us AS much as He loves Jesus “that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved me. (John 17:23).

The holy, almighty, infinite, creator God desires to be known to us as a Father and He is a merciful, gentle, gracious and loving Father. However, His character and nature is misunderstood as a result of poor modelling of many earthly fathers & the wrong theology of the father heart of God.

Let’s look at some unhealthy models of earthly fathers:

Authoritative Father – He uses us

Strong and dominating, not much negotiation is allowed. He does not consider about feelings, desires and emotional needs – but only that his authority is to be obeyed. Rules with an iron rod, believes that children can only be seen but not heard. Has great expectation on success. Always rewards success and condemns or punishes failure.

If we grow up in this kind of environment, then we will tend to relate to God in terms of service and sacrifices. Our focus is only on ministry and not relationship. Ministry, project and church policy is our end results instead of people. We forget that the most important thing in the ministry is to love God and love people.

We cannot see that God has concerns over our emotional needs and desires to lavish His love upon us. We are like the elder brother of the prodigal son, who never fully understood the father’s love for him, and always try to please the father through performance “…these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends…”. The father replied “you are always with me, and all that I have is yours” (Lk.15:29, 31). Like him, many of us do not know how to enjoy the abundant love of our Father God. We find it difficult to rest in the unconditional love of God and instead, always strive for acceptance from God and people, prioritising man’s approval above God’s approval. In other words, fearing man more than God.

Abusive Father – He harms us

A father that is always moody and angry, causing much pain and hurting us emotionally, mentally, physically and sometimes even sexually.

If we grow up in this kind of environment, we tend to develop a love-hate relationship with God our Father. Cognitively we know that God is a good and loving God, however, subconsciously, we believe that He only had His own glory in mind and is prepared to sacrifice us for any cause. We are just one of the subjects on His chessboard to be used to ultimately defeat His enemy.

We struggle to love God with all our heart, soul and spirit, and to fully surrender our lives and lay down our rights for Him. Also, we will have difficulty in receiving love and giving love fully. If we do not receive healing, some of us may even fear having their own children and parenting as we had no concept of love.

Absent Father – He doesn’t care

This is usually due to divorce, abandonment or a workaholic father, sacrificing the family at the altar of their personal ambitions.

This is the most common kind of pattern we have in the society today. Most fathers do not get to spend time with their children except only on weekends and their children become “orphans” due to the demand of their career or ministry. He is simply not there for them physically, emotionally and spiritually. In the Asian culture, this is even more prevalent as fathers are seen as the provider while mothers take up the nurturing role.

If we grow up in this kind of environment, it is difficult to trust God fully, especially in time of need. We tend to feel lonely and despair even though we know in the scripture that God is omnipresent and a God of all comforts. We tend to work out things with our own strength and find security in our own planning. We know God is there but emotionally, He is very far away. We cannot sense His sweet presence and thoroughly embrace His love.

Passive Father – He is not interested

Emotionally distant and hardly or minimally communicate and express his affection. He loves his children but rarely says so. He is passive, physically present, but emotionally unavailable and never engages his children.

If we grow up in this kind of environment, it makes us think that God does not feel our pain or share our joy. We cannot imagine that God rejoices over us and desire to be intimately close with us and thus is unable to relate to Him as a father. We think that apart from salvation, He is not really involved in the minor thing of our lives.

In Lk.12:7, why does the bible says that “the very hairs of your head are all numbered”? God is not concerned with abstract mathematics or keeping nitty gritty data of our body parts but because He's trying to tell us in what detail He knows us and cares about our lives.

Different ways of how we relate to God. Let’s consider a few:

The Creator – We acknowledge Him as God of the universe, the Lord of lords and King and kings. We see Him as Almighty, Omnipotent (infinite in power), Omniscient (having complete or unlimited knowledge, awareness, or understanding; perceiving all things), and Omnipresent (present everywhere at the same time). We relate to Him as subjects, as a servant and we learn obedience, laying down our rights, surrendering our all to Him.

Friend – In Jn.15:15, Jesus says He no longer treats us as servants but has called us friends “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friends, and all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you” where He shared His secrets with us just like how the Father shared with Abraham before He destroyed Sodom & Gomorrah (Gen.18:17 – “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am doing?”)

As a friend we can share with Him our struggles, pain, shame or any disappointment. With Jesus as our most intimate friend, we can be alone and yet not lonely as we have someone who always there to listen to us, someone who weep with us and rejoice with us.

Groom & Bride – In the gospels, Jesus many times refer to Himself as the bridegroom and in the book of Rev.21:9, we are known to be “the bride, the Lamb’s wife”. In Isa.54:5, we also learn that the Lord our “Maker is our husband”. In fact, in the book of Solomon we learn that as our bridegroom, he is passionate about us and desires to have an intimate relationship with us.

All these portrayals of God are certainly accurate but not complete. In the new covenant, Jesus introduces a new concept of how we can relate to Almighty God… as a loving Father. And as Father, there is only one way that we can relate to Him, and that is as His little child as an Omni personal (all personal) God, a God who knows and loves us as individuals and not only as corporate human beings.

Father and Son – In Lk.11:1-2, when the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray, Jesus began by asking them to address God as their Father – a call and recognition to relationship first. He wanted them to have the confidence of the Father’s love for them, to trust in His protection, provision, tenderness. Until & unless we are connected healthily and effectively with the Father, understanding His heartbeat and amazing love for His children, we cannot be confident and effective in our prayers.

There are many reasons why Jesus came to manifest himself on this earth; one of the main reasons was to make God known as a Father. Jesus came to demonstrate who the Father is and what He is like. Jesus came to reveal the Father to us. Thus, through Jesus’ life and ministry we can understand more of the Father heart of God.

Philip, one of Jesus’ followers, echoed a sentiment that many Christians today would still say, “show us the Father, and it is enough for us” (Jn.14:8). Jesus’ response is very telling “Have I been so long with you, and yet you have not come to know me…he who has seen Me has seen the Father…do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the father is in me…” (Jn.14:9-10). And again in John 10:30, he asserted “I and My Father are one”.

Jesus is the image of the invisible God and the exact representation of God’s nature “He is the image of the invisible God” (Col.1:15) and again in Heb.1:4 “…the express image of His person”. The nature of the father is the same as that of Jesus. Everything Jesus did on earth, including his sacrificial death on the cross, shows us the heart of the father - a heart of love and compassion, not one of wrath and judgement.

However, when some people hear the word "father," the word conjures up painful memories of authoritative control, domestic abuse, abandonment, alcoholism or frightening punishments. Others associate "father" with a numb detachment—because they never connected emotionally with their dads. These are called "father wounds"—and there is a maternal version too. Don't let the mistakes of our imperfect parents keep us from enjoying God's pure, gentle and unconditional love.

There are also many Christian who are not consciously relating to God as Father and often direct their prayers to Jesus or even to the Holy Spirit. The desire of Jesus is that we learn to relate or connect to God as a Father when we come to him in prayer or communion. In Jn.15:16 & 16:23, twice Jesus taught his disciples to “ask the Father in My name…”

This is a privilege that the O.T saints do not have. All the O.T saints – Abraham, Moses, Elijah, Samuel, etc. cannot call God “Father”. It takes the sacrificial death of Jesus to give us a way to call God, "Father." In the Scripture, every time when Jesus makes reference to God, He always relates to Him as Father and God is referred to as ‘Father’ over 250 times in the New Testament.

The first time that the word “Abba” is used in relationship to God in the Bible is when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane in Mk.14:36. “Abba”, an Aramaic word, expressed the simplest way for a Hebrew child to call out to his father. In the English language, it would be like us crying out “daddy” or “pa-pa”, an intimate way of addressing our father; a term of endearment. And in Rom.8:15, the scripture says that we all have “received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father’”. It simply means that we can all walk intimately with the Father as Jesus did.

Nonetheless, many of us believe in God but few understand His heart as a loving Father and to fully entrust our lives to Him. In Lam.5:3, Jeremiah lamented that the Israelites were like orphans “we have become orphans…” However, in Jn.14:18, Jesus promised not to leave us orphans. He wanted us to connect with the Father and get to know the Father after He leaves the earth. In fact, one of Jesus’ most important missions on this earth is to reveal to us the Father heart of God. Theologically we are all precious children of God, however, emotionally many of us live like orphans, struggling with fear & anxiety and do not really rest in the love of the Father.

An orphan’s heart breeds insecure, fearful hearts. On the contrary, “perfect love casts out fear” (1Jn.4:18)

Forgiveness from the Father heart of God

Many of us can quote every Bible verse about God's forgiveness, yet what we believe in our heads has never shifted to our hearts. Deep down inside, we think that God simply just tolerates us. We know the blood of Jesus paid for our sins, but this seems more like a legal transaction ratified by a benevolent judge. We still believe God is silently mad at us, even though He canceled our guilty sentence. That is not the gospel!

In the book of Genesis, when God appear to Abraham and promised him a son, it recorded Sarah’s unbelief, “Sarah laughed within herself saying, ‘after I have grown old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also’…” (Gen.18:12-15). However, in Heb.11:11, it recorded Sarah’s faith “By faith, Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised”. Why is the scripture contradicting?

I believe that that story in Genesis was recorded for human benefit so that we could identify with the weaknesses of godly men and women. However, the book of Hebrew, records how it’s recorded in the book of remembrance about us.

We see also the failure of David with Bathsheba & the murder of her husband Uriah in the book of 2 Samuel 11, and also about his pride when he numbered Israel and Judah which resulted in the death of seventy thousand men (2Sam.24:1, 10-15). However, in the book of Acts 13:22, it recorded him as “a man after God’s own heart” despite all these failure.

God did not halfheartedly or reluctantly forgive us —He forgave us from His gushing heart of love. Yes it was a legal transaction, but it was enacted out of a wondrous compassion that will take all of eternity to comprehend. The Bible says God directed all His righteous anger toward Jesus and laid our punishment on Him so that He could remove the barrier that separated us. All because of love! He is not angry at us now—He loves us so much He actually threw a party (Lk.15:22-23) to welcome us into His presence! He doesn't just tolerate us; He delights in us!

Resisting forgiveness is actually subtle pride. Remembering how rotten we were can subconsciously make us feel good. Do not be succumbed to guilt and shame “there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus…” (Rom.8:1).

Ancient Paths

When God created Adam & Eve, He made them in His own image and established a path; a culture for them to live. However, since sin came into the world, men have slowly and gradually deviated further and further from this ancient path. In Jer.6:16, God through the prophet is calling his people back to this path “See & ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls”.

The Hebrew meaning for ‘ancient’ is old, concealed, hidden, and timeless, from eternity. God is now instructing us through Jeremiah to see and ask for the ancient path for it is the “Good way…and find rest for our souls”.

What is the ancient path, the eternal path that leads to rest for our souls? In John 17:3, Jesus says “this is eternal life, that they may know Him, the only true God…” Thus, what God is exhorting us through his prophet Jeremiah is to come back to the Father and know his heartbeat for us that we may truly find rest for our soul. We need to re-attach our umbilical cord to the Father – we need to unlearn our experience of human love & relearn the true love of the Father in order to rebuild, restore our emotional immune system and heal our inner child.

Story of the Prodigal son

In Lk.15:11-32, we have the contrast of two sons who had grown up and lived with the same father. One is a transgressor and the other law abiding. The saddest thing was that both did not know the heart of their father.

The younger son did not return home for the sake of his father. He was never concerned that his father’s pain of missing him and worrying about him. He was only interested in himself. He never saw the yeaning and loving heart of his father.

Like the younger son, most Christian cannot see that God desires us & rejoices over us. After all, He created and owns everything. He could create anything to bring Him pleasure, He could self-entertain endlessly. However, the bible tells us He longs for each one of us personally, as a friend, son and even a lover “as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you” (Isa.62:5).

The parable of the prodigal son is not primarily about a son who lost his inheritance but about a father who lost his son and how the father got his son back. A primary emotional need that we all have is the assurance that we are enjoyed by God the Father even in our weakness and failure. This comes first by the revelation that the Father longs for us and enjoys us.

In fact, in Luke chapter 15, He used three stories to reveal His love to us; the parable of the lost sheep, the parable of the lost coin and finally, the parable of the lost son. He was telling us that He is deeply interested in us. He has a plan for our life. He feels our pain. He wants us to know that His heart is towards us and His eyes are always on us. As a point of fact, God “indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of us) on the palm of each of His hands” (Isa.49:15 AMP)

The Elder Son

He never understood the generosity of God. He was law abiding and very thrifty since he had never had a party with his friends before. He had no confidence in his father's generosity and love. His father had made it clear that everything was his to use. It was not the father who stopped him but it was his own perception of the father that prevented him from enjoying the father's generosity (The poverty mentality).

He never understood the heart of his father. He never saw his father’s grief and hurt when he was deprived of the younger son. He did not share the same compassion the father had for his younger brother. He was in fact angry and did not love his brother. When we do not have the father heart of God in us, we lose the love for people, we envy and are jealous over others’ success and feel that they do not deserve it. We do not understand the mercy, grace and compassion of God.

One son was too involved in satisfying his own desires; the other son was too involved in work and duty to be with his father but had no love. We can be working hard for Him but our heart is not connected to Him.

In a similar way, we who are believers all share the same Father as our Lord Jesus Christ. But do we know the Father? Do we truly know His love? Do we feel His heartbeat? Do we know His love for all of His creation?

In1Jn.4:19, we learn that we cannot love God with all our heart until we know He loves us with all His heart. “We love Him because (we understand that) He first loved us”. We need to restore the 1^st commandment into our lives before we can fulfill the 2^nd commandment or the great commission. This is God’s first priority in our life “You shall love the Lord your God with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘you shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt.22:37-38)

It is often because of rejection that we fear to love God and trust Him with our entire lives. Having not seen unconditional love amongst humans, it is difficult for us to believe that God so love us unconditionally. “God is love (1 John 4:16)”, we cannot flee from the presence of God’s love. If we “ascend to the heavens, He is there and even if we make your bed in hell, He is there” (Psalm 139:7-9). Like Paul, we must be “persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ our Lord “(Romans 8:38-39). There is no way God will ever stop loving us and there is no place we can go where His love cannot reach us. It is always us who reject God’s love. But if we choose to always respond to His love, we will find His love everywhere.

Once divinely connected to a permanent state of love in God and towards God, we will find an everlasting supply of love. For we will never suffer the loss of love from God and this truth in itself should bring healing and restoration to our wounded soul and sustain our ability to love throughout our entire lives. It should undergird every pain and suffering that we need to endure when we understand the love of God. The greatest, yes indeed, the greatest is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).

We need to pursue the “Great I AM” in order to receive healing from the distorted “I am”. The agape love of God will turn our love deficits into love credits. All true identity starts with Him. Is not who I am but rather whose I am. “May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God…” (2Thess.3:5)