Devotion for Marriages – 27) Emotional Needs
In 2 Sam.13:1, 11-15, we have a very sad story between Amnon and his half-sister Tamar.
“Absalom the son of David had a lovely sister, whose name was Tamar, and Amnon the son of David loved her. Amon was so distressed over his sister Tamar that he becomes sick… (vs.11) Now when she had brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” But she answered him, “No, my brother, do not force me, for no such thing should be done in Israel. Do not do this disgraceful thing! And I, where could I take my shame? And as for you, you would be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king; for he will not withhold me from you.” However, he would not heed her voice; and being stronger than she, he forced her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her exceedingly so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her…”
In this passage, we see that Amnon was obsessively in love with Tamar even to the point of ‘lovesick’. Unfortunately, in his foolishness, he took the ill-advice of his friends to come up with a wicked plan to take advantage of her sexually. Regrettably, after the rape, his love turned to hatred and in fact, he then hated her more than he had loved her. What had happened? Logically, he should have been a happy man and rejoicing since he got what he wanted.
No one fully knew what actually happened in the bedroom that day. However, from this story, we can make one conclusion – sex itself does not satisfy a man. If sex by itself can satisfy, then Amnon should be a pleased and satisfied man after his sexual encounter with Tamar.
Professional & scientific surveys show that 97% of men said “getting enough sex” wasn’t, by itself, enough – what really satisfied the husbands was the feeling of being deeply desired by their wives. Lamentably, most wives don’t seem to realize this “crisis” in their marriages.
Sex is 90% mental and 10% physical. That is, besides getting enough sex, men have a much greater need to feel sexually desired by their wives. The pleasure they derived from sex is more emotional than physical. When we say the brain is our most sensitive sex organ, this also applies to men.
Hence, a man cannot achieve sexual fulfillment in his marriage unless he knows that his wife is sexually fulfilled as well. Unless a woman joins her husband in the sexual experience, his need for sex remains unmet. Wife, your attitude is as important, if not more, as just your availability. Don’t offer yourself just as an object to be enjoyed, but rather be an enjoying participant. Be an interested and motivated sexual partner. Leave your husband no doubt that you love to love him.
A man will say, “If we feel our wife truly desire us sexually, we feel confident & loved? If we don’t, we feel lousy, angry and unloved”.
Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life. At the most basic level, a husband wants to be wanted by his wife. Most wives simply do not realize the emotional consequences of their responses (or the lack of one) and view their husbands’ desire for sex as a mere physical need or even an insensitive demand. If you reject his sexual needs, you are actually messing up his emotions.
For a wife, sex comes out of a healthy relationship, whereas, for a husband, sex leads to a healthy relationship. Having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life is critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. Making love is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man. Sex unlocks a man’s emotions.
In a sexual relationship, do not just engage with your body but more importantly, engage with your full emotions, recognizing that you’re not just touching his body but also touching his heart. Be interested & express your desire for him. If you respond physically out of obligation or duty just to “meet his needs”, you are not actually meeting his needs.
In fact, one of the reasons why men are drawn to porn or other women for erotica is because many men struggle and endure mediocre or non-satisfying sex lives and they have a great need to feel sexually alive. Many men, even those with close friendships, seem to struggle and live with a deep sense of loneliness. A healthy sex life is the purest salve for that loneliness.
Wives, what happens if your husband does not talk to you for three weeks? It can be considered as emotional abuse as that is your basic emotional need. Regrettably, most wives do not have sex with their husband even for much longer periods as they are not sensitive to their sexual needs.
Hopefully, this knowledge will help you develop compassion for him and understand the way he is wired.