Devotion for Marriages – 28) Psychological Needs
On the 10th of October 2011, there was an article on Asia One regarding a newly married man who had prostate cancer. He could have been cured if he had had the cancer surgically removed at an early stage. However, he refuses to go for the surgery as he was forewarned that it might leads to sexual dysfunction. Unfortunately, he died at age thirty three months later.
Many netizens criticised his foolishness that he prized his sex life more than his life. However, doctors say that 10 to 15 per cent of patients usually "disappeared" at the very mention of "impotence". They would run away and it is usually their wives who would encourage them and get them to return to the hospital for treatments. Sex is very important to most men.
Self Esteem
Sex is not just merely a physical need for a man; it is also very much a psychological need. A man usually identifies his manhood with his sexuality. It affirms his masculinity and ego. His ‘feeling like a man’ is very much linked closely with his sexual life. If a man’s sexual need is met by his wife, he feels valued & confidence. On the other hand, if a man feels rejected by his wife in this aspect, it makes him very insecure, and he will work very hard in other unhealthy ways to prove himself. It might even drive him to many sexual affairs.
Your response and attitude provide a bedrock form of support that gives him strength to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being. A man can be having a horrible time at work, rejection in his office or ministry, and have every other area going rotten - but if he feels that his wife wants him physically and affirms him in bed, it gives him great strength to face all those challenges. Conversely, if he received the reverse message, ‘You don’t measure up, don’t touch me’, it will devastate him far worse than any career blow.
If only the wife can see how central a man’s sex life is and how it affects him emotionally and psychologically, she will be more compassionate towards how he is wired.
Escape
For that reason, if or when a husband’s sexual need is not met, it shuts him down emotionally & it closes his spirit:
- He would try to avoid going to bed together with his wife, fearing another rejection
- He absorbs himself with work, recreation, T.V., computer, etc., anything that helps to numb the pain of unfulfilled expectation
- He will stop meeting his wife’s emotional needs, for he feels that his effort is not being reciprocated.
Sadly, many wives welcome the relief, thinking that they have “trained” the husband well in coping with their sexual appetite. In actual fact, this attitude often leads the marriage into the conflict or withdrawal environment.
Healing
Sex also helps to be a healing salve to men when they are anxious, depressed or feeling insecure in an environment. They often choose sex as their choice medication.
The reasons are due to the release of high levels of oxytocin during sex. Oxytocin is a neurochemical that creates or at least reflects feelings of warmth, affection, bonding and intimacy. Interestingly, oxytocin is not released in masturbation, prostitution and sex with strangers. It only happens when the man makes love with his loves ones, whether with his wife or in an affair.
Archibald Hart, Christian psychologist and an expert on male depression says this – “When a man is denied of his sexual needs, he becomes irritable, sulking and moody. He becomes silent and withdraws from his partner and acts out his anger in active or passive ways, depending on his personality. This is known as testosterone induced depression. When sexual releases are restored and the hormones are quietened and more in balance, it will relieve the depression and irritable behaviours.
Sensitive Wife
Thus, when a wife is sensitive to her husband’s needs, she makes herself irresistible to him. On the other hand, if she is insensitive to his needs and judge him as a pervert and sex maniac who always thinking about sex, he turns inward and silently fights the struggle alone.
Many CEOs, successful politicians (even presidents), pastors of large churches and leaders in every walk of life have risked their careers and life achievements for a special sexual relationship. Why? This is a very real need to man. Unmet needs have a powerful effect. The power of unmet emotional needs explains why people are willing to give up their spouse as well as their children, career and beliefs to have their emotional needs met.