Devotion for Marriages – 29) Factors that kills Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
There are three kinds of love in human relationships:
- Committed kind of love – love that is faithful and steadfast, sacrificial and committed to each another
- Companionship kind of love – our spouse also needs to be our best friend where we enjoy each other emotionally
- Passionate kind of love – love that enjoy each other sexually.
The fire of sexual love will eventually burn out if the marriage relationship lacks a committed and companionship kind of love. However, a committed marriage relationship without a passionate kind of love becomes very pale and boring. We need to combine all three kinds of love to create the kind of intimacy God intended!
Let’s consider some of the things that snuff out intimacy in marriage:
Sexual Denial – Repeatedly denying our spouse’s sexual advances. This will make them feel rejected, unloved and undesired. Eventually, they will simply stop seeking to be intimate with us.
Sexual Sabotage - Intentionally not going to bed at the same time or making themselves unattractive during bedtime - unattractive pajamas, funny hairdo, face cream; not taking care of personal hygiene, etc.
Prostitution - Some wives ‘prostitute’ themselves to their husband. They make them “earn” sex, they control and manipulate them with sex. If they are not happy with their husbands, they withhold sex from them. This often breeds deep resentment. The wives might win the battle but foolishly lose the war of their marriages.
Lazy Sex - Too little time, too little effort, available but undesirable. Wives merely are fulfilling their marriage obligation and husband only seeking pleasure and sexual release rather than intimacy.
No initiative - Always waiting for our spouse to initiate. Making them feel like a “desperado” and ourselves feeling great.
Party bed - Sharing bed with children or pets.
Separate beds - Due to bad snoring or choice of privacy lifestyle, etc. Remember, in Heb.13:4 – the bible says “bed” and not “beds”.
How to achieve Sexual harmony or compatibility?
Overcome our sexual ignorance. In many cases, a person’s failure to meet his/her spouse’s emotional needs is unintentional. Read, study, research, etc. seeking growth to meet our spouse’s sexual needs as this is an area that God has created to help in building intimacy in marriage.
Communicate your needs and frustration to each other. Be specific enough to be helpful but sensitive enough not to offend. Be careful of insensitive words that will hurt each other’s self-esteem.
Make love as often as the one with the greater need desires. But do it in the way the one with the lesser need enjoys the most. By catering to the one with the lesser need, lovemaking will become more desirable to that person.
Points to Ponder:
Are you intentionally growing to be a better sexual partner to your spouse so as to grow in the intimacy God intended?