Devotion for Marriages - 36) True Commitment in Marriage
Many people say love is a commitment, it’s not a feeling. Personally, we beg to defer and feel that is a wrong understanding to define a committed love relationship. Commitment is important but not enough in a marriage. We also need to have feelings of love. This concept of love being only about commitment, would not help to attain happiness and marital success. We can be committed to be physically together but emotionally divorced. Thus, many tolerated their marriage, instead of celebrating it.
Marriage is a gift which seems only temporal for us to enjoy while on earth. Jesus says in Matt.22:30, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven. Hence, we should treasure it, celebrate it, maximise it and use it impact the next generation for the glory of God.
In order to celebrate our marriage, we must continue to be committed to meet each other’s emotional needs and avoid at all cost the things that cause withdrawal in each other’s love bank account. A good marriage becomes almost effortless when we develop habits to continuously deposit love units into our spouse’s love bank account.
What we need is a shift from obsession to intentional, and the willingness to become a student of our spouse’s emotional needs. We should continue to fine tune our skills so that our relationship will be as fulfilling as possible for both spouses. Out-serve, out-love and out-sacrifice for each other. We must be each other’s greatest source of happiness if we want to have a successful marriage.
1Cor.7:32-34 –“But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord – how He may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world – how he may please his wife…But she who is married cares about the things of the world – how she may please her husband”
If we choose to marry, then we have the responsibility to please our spouse. Meeting our spouse’s emotional needs is one of the most basic responsibilities we have in our marriage. Hence, a true commitment to love is a commitment to make our spouse feel loved by continuously and intentionally meeting their emotional needs.
Immediate vs. Ultimate Goal
At first glance, a bowling lane appears to be fairly straightforward, a slicked wooden surface that leads to the pins at the other end. Yet if we take a closer look, we will see various bowling-lane markings, including a bunch of small arrows and dots. These markings are actually there to help us bowl better.
Not being professional bowlers, our naturally instincts are to aim at the pins; after all, they are the main targets. But really, we shouldn’t even look at the pins until we’ve released the ball. Instead, we should select an arrow and try to roll the ball right over it, paying attention on how the ball behaves, and keep adjusting and practising until we achieve some consistency.
In other words, though the pin is our ultimate goal, what we need is to focus on the arrow on the lane (our immediate goal) if we want to hit the pin successfully.
The same principle works in a marriage relationship. If our ultimate goal is to celebrate the intimacy God has intended, then our immediate goal is to develop the skills to meets our spouse’s emotional needs.
Warning of Guarding our Love Bank Account
As human beings, we are vulnerable and will be attracted to the opposite sex. And unfortunately, this attraction does not turn off automatically once we are married.
Matt.5:29-30 sets forth a very important principle, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.”
One application of this verse in marriage is that we should make it relatively difficult for the opposite sex to deposit love units into our lives. If we find someone attractive, avoid any setting that would give the person a chance to deposit enough love units to trigger in us the feeling of romantic love.
Emotional needs are so powerful that whoever meets them can become irresistible. That is the reason why even God-fearing saints fall into extra-marital affairs. Bear in mind, emotional needs are so powerful that it can speak louder than the fear of God in us.
The worst is when two parties admit their attraction to each other and then try to fight it. Sadly, they will definitely fail, as the act itself will fan this attraction. We should run from any situation where the other party can continue to deposit into our emotional account.
The enemy is camping out at the gate of our marriage; he is lurking about, seeking to find the one open crevice where he can enter, just as described in the bible, “the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour…”
Points to Ponder:
Are you committed to build a God honoring marriage that will impact the next generation?
Are you committed to build an affair-proof marriage by being committed to your marriage vow before God?
Are you committed to cherish (to intentionally make him/her feel loved) your spouse by meeting his/her emotional needs? If our emotional needs go unmet, we become vulnerable to the temptation of an affair.