Devotion for Marriages – Covenant vs Contract
Contract – A bilateral agreement between two parties which is totally dependent upon the performance of the agreement. If one party fails to perform according to the contract, the other party has no obligation to perform either and is no longer bound by the terms of the contract.
Covenant – A unilateral one-sided commitment which is not dependent upon the performance of the other party. It is an irrevocable, unconditional and indissolveable commitment breakable only by death. Another word for covenant is Promise.
Marriage is a covenant and not contract. We should not have the mentality that I will do my part if only you do your part. In a covenant, we do our part as husband and wife regardless of the other party’s response. This will free us from imposing our expectation on the other party. A lot of marriages are filled with resentment and bitterness due to unmet expectations.
In Gen.15:18 - When “the Lord made a covenant with Abram…”, Abraham was asleep and there was no commitment required on his part. God remained faithful even when Abram was unfaithful.
In the Hebrew culture, when a covenant is made, the word used to describe that process is “cut”. That means we do not made a covenant, but instead, we “cut” a covenant. The animals were cut into two as “a smoking oven and a burning torch passed between the pieces” as God made the covenant with Abram. By that very act, God was saying, “May I be torn apart like these animals if I do not fulfill my covenant obligations to you”.
For that reason, when a couple enters into a marriage covenant, it is a very solemn and binding commitment to each other. Today, many have embraced values diametrically opposed to the covenant standard of the bible. We enter into marriage with a contract mentality rather than a covenant mentality. And worst of all, many have even ignored or blatantly disobeyed the Lord’s teaching on the permanence of the marriage covenant.
Let look at three cycles in a marriage relationship to understand a marriage covenant better on a practical day to day basis.
Romantic Cycle
When the wife feels loved, she responds to her husband with respect. When the husband feels respected, he responds to the wife with love and affection.
This is an ideal cycle in a marriage relationship and will empower the couples to live in a romantic environment.
Conflict Cycle
When the wife does not feel loved, she reacts with disrespect. When the husband does not feel respected, he reacts by not showing love and affection.
If this cycle is spinning in a marriage relationship, then both parties are depriving each other of their most basic emotional needs and the relationship will enter into a conflict environment.
Obedience Cycle
When women don’t feel loved
They respond with respect
Obedience Cycle
They respond with love
When man don’t feel respected
The good news is that we can all slow down the Conflict cycle, or even stop it completely, if we choose to honor God in our marriage and walk in the obedience cycle.
That is, regardless of how the wife feels. she responds with respect. And regardless of how the husband feels, he responds with love and affection.
1 Pet.3:9 – “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another, love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous, not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.
Choosing to walk in the opposite spirit (eg. bless those who curse us) is God’s way to overcome evil. However, the obedience cycle does not necessarily promise a positive response from our spouse, at least not immediately. It is not a vending machine, where we press a button and expect immediate results. The obedience cycle is simply the best response we can choose, because it focuses us to continue meeting our spouse’s emotional needs. Remember, our whole motivation should be a covenant mindset, choosing doggedly to respond God’s way, period.
Doing it onto the Lord
Col.3:22-23 – Servants, obey in all things your master according to the flesh, not with eye service, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.
Our marriage is not only about our relationship with our spouse. First and foremost, our marriage is about our relationship with God. If we only have the right perspective, it gives us the “inner freedom” to love and respect our spouse unconditionally without expecting reciprocation.
Unconditional means unconditional! Don’t say I will do this unconditionally on the condition that he or she does this or that. “No matter how depressing or irritating my spouse might be, my response is my responsibility.” This is covenant mentality!
Behind the showing of love and respect to one another is a heart to glorify and obey God. If the husband does not respond with love and affection to the wife, he should ask if he is disobeying God. Likewise, if the wife is not respecting and submitting to the husband, she should reflect if she is submitting to God.
Many a times, it is not a “marriage crisis” that breaks the marriage covenant but rather a “faith crisis”. The root problem of every marital conflict is the hardening of hearts!
Points to Ponder:
For whom are we living? We need to choose who we serve - Christ or self?