Devotion for Marriages – 32) Blame Game & Sarcasm
A husband and wife were having an argument. Finally, out of sheer frustration, the husband blurted out, "Honey, I don’t know why God made you so beautiful...and, yet, so stupid, at the same time!"
The woman stared at her husband and said, "Wellllllllllll...God made me BEAUTIFUL so you could love me. And God made me STUPID so I could love you!"
What is a “blame game”? – It is ascribing responsibility to someone for the fault rather than acknowledging our own mistake.
Gen.3:12-13 – “Then the man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
We can see from the above scripture that playing the blame game is the defect in our DNA which we received from our forefathers, a reflection of our sinful nature. We need to be transformed!
This is a very unhealthy defence mechanism. Blame always produces destruction and pride is the root cause of blaming others. We proudly refuse to see our own weakness and instead focus on someone else’s. When we blame others, we are not taking responsibility for our own shortcomings, fears and choices. It is always easier to blame someone else than to change our thoughts and actions. We should redirect our blame and seek God to change us. Beware of the “Plank” syndrome!
Matt.7:1-3 –“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eyes? Or how can you say to your brother, let me remove the speck out of your eye; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye”
When we blame our spouses, we are releasing poison that kills our feelings for them, at the same time; we also trigger their defence mechanism to protect themselves and lash out at us. This will turn the house into a battleground rather than a love nest.
Marriages only strengthen & grow in intimacy if we learn to focus on what we admire in each other rather than on what irritate us.
Rom.12:3 – “For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God had dealt to each one a measure of faith.
One of the greatest problems in relationship is thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought to.
Sarcasm
A couple just had an argument and they happen to drive past a farm. Seeing all the cows, sheep, dog, etc. the husband turned around and sarcastically said to his wife “your family”. She answered “Oh Yes, my in-laws.”
The origin of the word sarcasm is derived from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” And Webster's dictionary defines sarcasm as "a sharp utterance designed to cut or give pain."
Sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humour. It may seem fun and make us think that we are smart, but it is one of the most harmful verbal tactics. It alienates and often humiliates the other person, breaking down communication and making huge withdrawals from his/her love bank account.
Many times, sarcasm shames a person, making one feel belittled and unworthy. When shame takes root in the heart, it can cause disastrous behaviour, because the person now feels worthless and seeks desperately to find anything that will make them feel otherwise. Shaming a spouse is a serious offense with serious consequences.
Sarcasm aggravates rather than improve a situation. It is like scratching an insect bite – it further irritates the area and may even lead to infection. Likewise, the use of sarcasm can turn a small disagreement into a verbal war with emotional casualties.
Prov.17:14 – “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts”
Do you want to win an argument or win your spouse’s heart?
Don’t be a Relationship Archeologist
Prov.17:9 – “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates the best of friends”
Many people like to become historians or archeologists when they have a conflict. The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Never relive past hurts and pains again and again and use them as leverage in an argument or opportunity to bring guilt and shame.
Two Phrases to avoid – “You always” & “You never”
Forgiveness means letting go of past hurts rather than holding on to them and attacking your spouse with reminders of them.
Points to Ponder:
Are our words controlled by a desire to seek peace and unity, or are they driven by our fleshly desire to sting, aggravate, retaliate, control, alienate, shame and manipulate through the ‘blame game’ or sarcasm?