Devotion for Marriages – 34) Silent Expectations & Sin of Neglect
Unmet expectation is a silent relationship killer. We all assume that our spouse should know us well enough, should love us enough, and should be so much like us that they intuitively know what we need and are able to respond accordingly. Hence, we all silently expect our spouse to be a prophet with the gifts of knowledge operating constantly, always knowing and meeting our needs.
The underlying verb in all of these expectations is “assume.” We figured that our spouse, our soulmate, is so in-tune with who we are and what we need, that meeting our expectations in our relationships is a no-brainer. So, we don’t clarify our request, and we ignore the subtle – and sometimes not so subtle – signs that our spouse may have a different point of view or sometimes, sincere ignorance of our needs.
Lack of clarity is often the main culprit that leads to unmet expectation. Sometimes we express an idea, a request, a query, and we think we are being excruciatingly clear. We simply assume our spouse knows us well enough to understand exactly what we mean. But sometimes they don’t and sometimes in their own ideas, they think that they are fulfilling our requests already. Thus, we need to learn to “clarify, clarify, and clarify”!
With deliberate conversations to clarify what our real needs are, we can stop holding our spouse accountable for not meeting expectations that they did not understand or did not agree to, in the first place. Instead, we can develop a mutually satisfying and rewarding relationship with deeper honesty and intimacy, and a lot less hurt. Don’t let silent expectation kill your relationship!
The Sin of Neglect
James 4:17 – “Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin”
Sin is defined in 2 ways - Doing the wrong things & failure to do the right things. Neglect is the direct opposite of physical or emotional abuse. We abuse when we act inappropriately, where else neglect is the failure to act. Likewise, emotional neglect is not something that happens, but something that fails to happen.
Some couples can spend many years in an unhappy relationship or marriage due to emotional neglect and do not quite understand, or are unable to pinpoint, why they are unhappy. The reason is simple; there are no clear signs of emotional neglect. In abusive relationships (whether physical or emotional), the signs are clear because the behaviours of the offending partner are apparent. In contrast, because emotional neglect involves a failure to act, it is hidden, invisible to the untrained eye or ear. An emotionally neglectful partner or spouse is one who does not verbally criticise or attack; does not complain or put you down; does not erupt in anger or harass you; does not display any form of aggression. It’s difficult to point to an emotionally neglectful partner, because after all, he/she does ‘nothing wrong’. This makes it harder, much harder, to identify what is missing or wrong in the relationship.
Emotional connection is the backbone of a relationship. Without that, the relationship has hollowness to it and this hollowness tends to echo louder in times of stress or conflict. Failing to appreciate your spouse and marriage can lead to one or both partners feeling unwanted and possibly unloved.
Taking care of our marriage is critical to its long-term success. Highly successful marriages don't just happen. It takes intentional hard work, and when we neglect it, we risk losing it altogether.
Sadly, neglect happens in the majority of families in today’s busy lifestyle and society. Many of us strive for success because we are motivated by our love for the family. But unfortunately, the process itself becomes more consuming than the person we love. Our life gets better but our love for each other gets colder. We think that what we need is quality time… not quantity”. That is simply untrue. We need both. One does not make up for the other.
Another common mistake of neglect in a marriage relationship is neglecting ourselves. If we have stopped caring about our appearance, how we dress, and even how we act or respond, it can negatively impact our relationship. The chances are that when you tried hard to be your best self, your relationship benefits from it. It is easy for a spouse to think you have given up on your relationship if you have given up on yourself.
Points to Ponder:
Are you frustrated with unmet needs? Have you clarified your needs and expectation to your spouse?
To cherish is to make someone feel valued and special through our words and action. We vow to cherish each other in marriage but often do not put in enough effort to keep to our words.