Devotion for Marriages – 35) Unkind Words, In-Laws & the Dreaded “D-word”

Eph.4:29 – Let no corrupt communication (worthless word) proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers…”

Beware of ungraceful and hurtful words - our words should impart grace. Communicate to build up one another instead of destroying each other.

We tend to make gentle requests if we want anything during courtship, but often make rude demands after marriage.

If our spouses are not responding to our love and romantic affection, we need to check ourselves the quality of love we are giving them. Ultimately, we reap what we sow.

Prov.18:21 - “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” (MSG)

Marriage is an Empty Box. Most people get married thinking that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they longed for: romance, intimacy, love, companionship, etc. The truth is that marriage starts as an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people and people are the ones who can choose to put love in marriage. As a couple, we must learn the art and habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, to keeps the box full. If we keep taking out whatever we had initially put in, the box will eventually be back to empty.

In Laws

Gen. 2:24 – “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

To leave one’s parents is not necessary a physical act (although it usually involves that as well), but more importantly it is the attitude and mind set. It simply means we need to establish a whole new relationship with our parents after we are married. We do not relate to them anymore in the same manner of priority.

As we are given new roles as husband and wife, and establish our own new family unit, our spouse’s needs must come before our parents’. Leaving our father and mother is about moving our deepest loyalty from them to our spouse. Then together as one flesh with our spouse, we can love and respect our parents in a healthy way.

We are not breaking the family bond but rather, understanding that the relationship with our parents, in the areas of authority and responsibility, must change. We must sustain the very best relationship possible towards our in-laws. But, at the same time, we must not allow their influence to undermine or threaten our marriage in any way. The boundaries must be clear and necessary for the process of becoming a healthy new family unit.

Most importantly, loans or gifts from parents should not be allowed to interfere with the distinct authority of the new home. We must never allow our parents to “buy” the rights to call the shots in our marriage.

The “D-word”

Marriage is difficult and arguments are inevitable. When we are deeply hurt or angry, some of us tend to use the “weapon of mass destruction” - the dreaded “D-word” to threaten and to get our point heard, or to try to get our spouse to understand how upset we are.

Threatening divorce is the quickest way to destroy intimacy. It sows the seeds of insecurity and deep resentment, leaving the roots of the disagreement almost impossible to eradicate. The idea of divorce is ultimate abandonment and it goes to the core of our attachment issues. It can lead to heightened levels of depression and anxiety. Whenever we use the D-word in an argument, we are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are our basic human needs.

Even if it is just an empty threat, the destruction is traumatic and extremely harmful as it introduces the possibility of a divorce in the marriage. We are telling our spouse that the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure. Hence, our spouse will never have the emotional safety to work out the problems. One party might be afraid that if he/she presses too hard for solutions in their marriage relationship, the other party might opt out.

Making threats is never a healthy behaviour in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met. Couples should create a ground rule to ban the D-word from their marriage vocabulary.

Points to Ponder:

Have we hurt our spouse lately with our unkind words?

Are we still enmeshed, entangle and trap with our family of origin?

Do we ever use divorce to threaten the relationship? If yes, it is good to repent and ask for forgiveness from our spouse.