Devotion for Marriages – Apology & Forgiveness
Many couples think that the most important three letter word in a relationship is “I Love You”. In our opinion, it takes more courage and humility to say “I am Sorry”. Moreover, if we refuse to acknowledge our mistake and weakness and ask for forgiveness, but keep repeating ‘I love you’, it will not help to fill up our spouse’s emotional love tank. Resentment and bitterness create cracks that cause all the deposited love units to leak out.
And if truly “I am Sorry” is the most important three letter word to build and restore intimacy, then “I forgive you” is the next most important three letter word response to bring healing to the relationship.
Ecclesiastes 7:20 - “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.”
This is the fundamental truth and reality we need to be mindful of. The person we love the most and have committed our life to is an imperfect being. This person is guaranteed to hurt us and fail us in many ways, some serious and some not, and some even repeatedly.
Sympathy makes forgiveness easier. It’s so much easier to forgive when we can understand the “why” behind others’ behaviour. Many of us tend to give ourselves more grace, but yet we severely judge our spouse. We need to extend to our spouse the same grace we give ourselves.
What happens when our spouse has a weakness or a failure? How about an inability to always meet our expectation? What about an unresolved childhood hurt that he/she brings into the relationship?
Rom.7:19 – “For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not do, that I practice.”
Like Paul, we all struggle with some area of weakness in our life. And many a times, it is rooted in the trauma, hurt and pain from our family of origin. We need to be gracious and believe in the good will of our spouse. They intend to love but regrettably, it can turn out as causing pain instead. We are imperfect people; and in order to live together successfully, we need to learn how to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish what others had done wrong.
1Pet.4:8 - “Love covers over a multitude of sins”
Unconditional love is the most important ingredient to sustain and build healthy marriages that glorify God. Unfortunately, many of us continue to punish our spouse emotionally by harbouring resentment over his/her failures.
2Cor.2:10-11 – “Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, lest Satan should take advantage of us, for we are not ignorant of his devices”.
Unforgiveness gives Satan advantage over us. We should give Satan no place in our relationship. The ultimate reason that many are bitter is because we want to be bitter. We welcome bitterness because it energizes us. Sadly, we are being energized by the wrong force!
Fear & Using Guilt to Manipulate
Many of us are afraid that if we forgive our spouse too easily, he/she will repeat the same mistake and hurt us again. Thus, we choose to hold on to the emotional debt and use it to manipulate love from our spouse. Sadly, by doing so, we are making ourselves very unlovable and this will drive our spouse away. A merciful person is a lovable person. And by releasing forgiveness, we are releasing our spouse to love genuinely and not out of guilt.
Gal.6:1 – “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted”
1Cor.10:12 – “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall”
Remember, we reap what we sow and we might be the one who needs forgiveness the next time. If we happen to be at the wrong place, at the wrong time, meeting the wrong person, we all have the potential to fall.
Matt. 19:8 – “He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so”.
According to Jesus, hardness of heart, not failure, is the cause of divorce. Hardness of heart is learning all these truths and yet not willing to put it into practice. And hardness of heart is the Root to most failed marriages. This is why the Bible places such a high value on tender-heartedness.
Phil. 3:13 – “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead…”
We cannot reach forward until we learn to forget things that are behind. Forgiveness is a mental and emotional choice, it is a conscious effort. Unfortunately, many of us want the blessing and the promise of God but are not willing to embrace the process - obedience.
“Disagreements don’t cause disunity, lack of forgiveness does” – Loren Cunningham
Points to Ponder:
Have we been lenient on ourselves yet harsh or set high expectation on our spouse?
Have you unconsciously allowed or even invited Satan into your marriage relationship through harbouring resentment and bitterness towards your spouse?