Devotion for Marriages – Affection & Sex

Affection - Expression of love in non-sexual ways. It simply means showing love through words, gifts, & kindness, gentleness, etc. Most wives appreciate expressions of affection as they symbolize security, protection, comfort and love.

The three basic and effective expressions of affection needed to build loving marriages are:

Holding Hands

Holding hands as a couple is the most basic form of affection but it does wonders for the relationship.

In a survey done in the United States, forty couples with marital problems were asked to reignite their habit of holding hands, just like during their dating days. After one month, most of them testified that their relationships had improved tremendously even without any counseling; the reason being that they are not just merely holding each other’s hand, but also each other’s heart.

If we desire the image of ourselves holding hands and enjoying each other’s company while walking in the park even when we are old; it will be realistic to start cultivating such healthy habits now.

Moreover, a picture of parents holding hands will always bring great security to the children. Our marriage is a prophetic message and model for the next generation, whether positively or negatively!

Kisses & Bear Hugs

In Song of Song 1:2 - “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth…” We have a picture of the wife longing for kisses from her husband. Kisses are great ways of showing affection.

Kissing causes our bodies to release oxytocin (bonding hormones that help us feel happy and more attached to each other). When a mother is breastfeeding, she produces lots of oxytocin, which bonds her to her child. Whether a couple has been together for four months or 40 years, kissing promotes feelings of Intimacy and security. Again, we are not just kissing the lips, but the heart and soul.

Unfortunately, many husbands tend to only kiss their wives as foreplay, and not as kisses of affection. Wives need lots of hugs and kisses in their need for affection.

Saying “I love you”

Deep inside most wives – even those who enjoy great relationships with their husbands, there is a latent insecurity about whether their husbands really love them. Therefore, husbands need to always reassure their wives of their love.

Other forms of affection include small gifts, romantic dinner, movies, regular dates, etc.

To most woman affection symbolize security, care and concern, protection and comfort. We should intentionally celebrate the “Un-Valentine’s Day”. There is only one Valentine’s Day a year. Celebrate Valentine’s Day, but more importantly, celebrate the other 364 Un-Valentine’s Days, too.

During the courtship season, men usually show lots of affection to their girlfriend without demanding sex from her. But after marriage, husbands tend to stop giving affection to their wives; yet start demanding for a lot of sex. When wives do not have affection, they are not desirous of sex.

If she does not receive enough affection to meet her emotional needs, she shuts him off sexually. And when he does not get enough sex; he is not motivated to show affection. This leads to an unhealthy and destructive vicious circle which causes the marriage to enter a “withdrawal” environment.

Some women will have sex with their husbands in the hope of getting affection through the process of love making; but unfortunately, it often leaves them feeling disappointed, resentful and bitter. As soon as the sex is over, their husbands revert to their unaffectionate ways, leaving their wives feeling unloved again. The husband’s attitude destroys the whole purpose of intimacy and bonding. If there is no affection, it makes the wife feel “used” during each sexual encounter.

There is nothing more devastating to a marriage than an affair. Sadly, most affairs start due to the lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex (for the husband). Emotional needs are so strong that when they are not met in marriages, people are tempted to go outside the marriage to satisfy their needs.

Understanding the 4 stages of sexual intimacy:

1. Excitement Phase (Foreplay or mutual stimulation). The phase also known as the arousal phase and is the first stage of the human sexual response cycle.  During the excitement stage, the body prepares for sexual intercourse at the plateau phase. If we skip this phase, the body might not be well prepared for the next stage.
2. Plateau Phase (Intercourse). The plateau phase is the period of sexual excitement prior to orgasm.  
3. Orgasmic Phase (Short & intense). Orgasm is the conclusion of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, and the climax of the sexual response cycle.
4. Resolution Phase. The resolution phase occurs after orgasm and allows the muscles to relax, blood pressure to drop and the body to slow down from its excited state. This phase gives a general sense of well-being and enhanced intimacy if the husband is sensitive and continues to show affection and makes the wife feel loved. Cuddling is a simple and effective way of showing affection to the wife during this phrase. Some women are capable of a rapid return to the orgasm phase with further sexual stimulation and may experience multiple orgasms. Men need recovery time after orgasm, called a refractory period, during which they cannot reach orgasm again. The duration of the refractory period varies among men and usually lengthens with advancing age.

When it comes to physical intimacy, man tends to focus & get their satisfaction on the plateau and orgasm phase, while women tend to feel loved and valued in a sexual relationship during the foreplay and resolution phrase.

Which is the most sensitive organ in our body?

Everything to do with sex begins with desire and the brain is the main hormone control center of the body. Therefore, our brain is the most sensitive sexual organ in our body. Hence, foreplay starts early in the morning & not just ten minutes before sexual intercourse as an emotional foreplay is more important than a physical foreplay. If we cannot satisfy our wife when she is fully dress, we cannot satisfy her when she is fully undress.

Points to Ponder:

1. Is affection the environment in your marriage?

Remember, whatever affection we show our girlfriend during the dating season, we must double up the effort in our marriage relationship if we want the relationship to grow in oneness and intimacy, and optimistically believing the best is yet to come.

1. How can we improve in this area so that our wives’ emotional needs are met?