Devotion for Marriages – 31) Breaking Promise, Anger & Defensiveness
In five short verses, Psalm 15 succinctly describes the character of those who may dwell in the presence of the Lord. David started the Psalm by asking, “Lord, who may abide in your tabernacle? Who may dwell in your holy hill?”
And in verse 4, it was stated that one of the character is “He who swears to his own hurt and does not change.”
In James 5:12, we are also exhorted “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ ‘No’, lest you fall into judgement.”
The lifelong commitment of a fulfilling marriage is fulfilled one promise at a time. Do not break any commitment you have made with your spouse. It causes deep disappointment, breaks trust and will be a huge withdrawal in his/her emotional bank account. It is always good to under-promise & over-deliver, rather than over-promise & under-deliver!
Angry Outburst – Uncontrolled Anger
Feeling angry and having an angry outburst are not the same. No one can avoid feeling angry once in a while, but we can all avoid angry outbursts. And no fist fighting or physical abuse is acceptable!
Eph.4:26 -27 - “Be angry, and do not sin…”
Uncontrolled emotions which often lead to unkind words, sharp tongue, uncalled for remarks, or even physical abuse, create an unhealthy fear in our home environment.
We need to know the difference between venting and processing. Venting is releasing our frustration in anger and the end result is causing hurt and pain to the other party, and it has the potential to further destroy the relationship. Processing, on the other hand, may still frequently mean facing the anger, but it is able to let go of the anger to seek healing, restoration and improvement in the relationship. Hence, always have the end result in mind when dealing with conflicts or disagreement.
Anger is only one letter away from Danger. If we don’t dissolve it in a healthy way, the “D” will destroy us. Sadly, many precious relationships – parent and child, sibling, friends and marriages are being destroyed by uncontrolled anger.
We need to learn from David the prayer of safekeeping in Ps.141:3 – “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips”
We are also encouraged to settle our conflict before the sun goes down so as not to give place for the devil. “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, give no place for the devil.” If we go to sleep with unresolved anger and with our back facing each other, Satan will “sleep in the middle” laughing.
Defensiveness – Refusing to Apologize
“I’m sorry” can be as effective as “I love you”—and perhaps more so. If we refuse to apologize, it is as good as digging a hole in our spouse’s love bank account. No matter how much you deposit into the account, in does not remain, it simply flows out through the ‘hole’ of resentment.
While on the other hand, sincere apology works like a detox pill in our bodies. We must detox before we can receive the good nutrients. Likewise, our emotions need to be detoxed from all resentment before they can receive any kind of love nutrients.
Prov.16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall”.
Pride always leads to fall – the fall of many marriages. And unfortunately, pride is a default mode of the fallen human heart. We are all proud people who constantly need to pursue humility, by the grace of God.
Do we want to be right or have a right relationship? The price of wanting to be right is high. Never defend ourselves. When we do, we put up emotional guards that make us hard and self-centred. In turn, we cast blame in an attempt to protect ourselves. If we want to cultivate a long term loving relationship, we must be willing to outdo each other in forgiveness, kindness & servanthood!
Prov. 25:15 - “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Prov.15:1 –“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”.
Rather than being “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger” (Jam.1:9), we are often prone to do the opposite. We tend to be quick to defend, quick to cast blame and slow to be gentle.
Points to Ponder:
Are you allowing your uncontrolled anger to lead you to sin? Are you disciplined to resolve your anger before the day ends, or are you often having ‘cold wars’ in your relationships?