Devotion 13 – Ruining our Marriage
When two persons marry, we owe it to each other to bring into the marriage a healthy body that is free of any soul ties, bondages or any sexually transmitted diseases. The only way to be certain of that is to be virgins when we marry.
Research have found that girls who engage in sex prior to the age of eighteen have an incidence of cancer of the cervix several times greater than those who do not. During sexual intercourse, the male organ could bring foreign matter and germs into her vagina. By nature, a mature woman has a built-in immunity; but a woman below the age of 18 does not have this immunity. It is reasonable to conclude that God does not intend for young girls to have sex.
Heb.13:4 – “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”
Sex is defiled out of the marriage bed. And “defiled” in the original Greek language indicates the potential for demonic activities. What it simply means is that sex outside of marriage can be wide open doors for darkness to defile our soul & spirit. For that reason, God says He will judge fornicators and adulterers.
This caution is so important that Song of Solomon repeated it three times (S.O.S.2:7; 3:5; 8:4).
“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.”
The meaning is simple; do not allow your sexual desire to be awaken until the appropriate time (when you are married).
S.O.S 4:12 – “You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.”
Throughout the Songs, Solomon used the word “garden” to describe his wife’s genitals. Hence when he used words like “locked up, spring enclosed…sealed fountain” as illustrations, it could simply mean that the Shulamite woman was a virgin before marriage.
Study and survey has shown that a couple enjoy their sexual intimacy more and respect each other more when they do not have a sexual relationship prior to marriage. Many women who committed fornication regret it. For by violating her conscience in the area of sexuality, she has failed to cherish herself and hence, communicated to her husband that he does not have to cherish her also. Indirectly, it has also encouraged him to disrespect her as she had made herself available to him without demanding a full commitment of marriage from him. If we want to have the maximum sexual joy and fulfilment in marriage, then do not allow sexual arousal with anyone before marriage.
Guilt, shame, self-rejection and loss of self-respect, often cause our inability to respond to true intimacy with our future spouse, and thus they rob us the enjoyment of a good sexual experience in marriage. A wife may think that by withholding pleasure, she is proving to God how sorry she is for what she did before marriage. Sadly, by punishing herself, she is also indirectly punishing her husband, which will indirectly kill her marriage.
Those who had ‘unholy sex’ will have great difficulty enjoying ‘holy sex’. No one person who refused to be sexually active before marriage will regret it. Contrarily, there are many who regret not waiting. Purity is the greatest gift for our spouse. Impurities create problems in “Cleaving” and to enjoy true intimacy in marriage.
If we break a physical law, we will suffer the consequences. Likewise, if we break the moral law, we too will suffer the consequences. But, because the consequences are more emotional and less obvious, many tend to ignore them.
Destroy Trust
If you and your spouse have a track record of self-control in the area of sexual relationships, you will have a more trusting relationship. One of the common conflicts that arise in marriage is where one spouse is always suspicious of the other’s fidelity.
Eph. 4:18-19 – “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.”
Though this verse refers to the state of an unbeliever, however, the progress of degeneration is the same.
Hardening of Hearts 🡪loss of sensitivity or conscience 🡪 sexual immorality
Studies show that those who committed fornication have a higher chance of committing adultery. Why? Since we have hardened our hearts once, it is easier to harden our hearts again. Once virtue is lost, it is difficult to fully regain it.
We will not gain anything from having sex before marriage. In fact, we will lose a lot. It may destroy the relationship altogether, and if not, we will carry a lot of issues into our marriage that will destroy intimacy. On the other hand, if we have built trust through waiting, consistently saying no, and giving ourselves to each other only when we’re truly one in marriage, we will be building a solid foundation for a guilt-free, trusting and happy partnership.